SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

The date was September 2007 (give or take six months), the air was warm and breezy, but that particular morning there was a certain chill in the air. For that day, the two families, my whole family and my boyfriend’s mom, were about to meet for the very  first time.

My boyfriend’s mom had slept over at our apartment the night before, and my mom, dad and sister (brother wisely set this one out), brought bagels over to our apartment that morning. We were all going to break bread together and then my boyfriend and his mother were going to go to the zoo, while I headed to some family function in New Jersey with my family.

My mother walked in the door, all glamour, with her makeup, and perfectly done-up hair (she’s a hairdresser), and semi-dressy outfit. And there stood Boyfriend’s mom, in her cargo shorts, tee-shirt, fresh-faced, with her frizzy, long hair tied back in a ponytail. I knew at that moment that nothing good could come of this meeting.

“Dad’s still out looking for a parking spot?” my mom asked me.

“Obviously,” Boyfriend’s mom snickered. “He’s clearly not here.”

“Mmmmmmmmmmm,” I heard my mom mumble.

“Ok, so where should we eat the bagels?” I jumped in and asked the group. “Huddled around the tiny table in the kitchen, or snuggled close together on the couches in the living room?”

We women opted for the couches in the living room, with Boyfriend and my father cowardly hanging back in the shadows. “Lauren,” Boyfriend’s mom said to my 18-year-old little sister. “You are so pretty!”

“Haha thanks,” my sister said; a knowing smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

“Oooooh, I see how it is,” I chuckled. “My sister is the pretty one and I’m the ugly duckling.”

“Oh stop it,” said Boyfriend’s mother. “It’s not that you’re ugly. It’s just that your sister’s features are softer than yours.”

“Ahhhhhhhh,” I seethed. “Now I understand. Thanks for clearing that up.”

We sat silently through the remainder of our meal and then my mom suddenly popped up and announced that we better get on the road if we were going to get to my Grandmother’s house on time.

“Is that your Mazda SUV out there?” Boyfriend’s mother asked.

“Yup,” my mom said. “It was a birthday present last year,” she continued, smiling.

“Hmmmmmmmm.” Boyfriend’s mom said. “You should really get a hybrid. I have one.”

“I hear some of them are quite powerful,” my dad finally chimed in from out of nowhere.”

“Well, maybe we’ll look into that when we are in the market for a new car,” my mom said.

Later that evening, Boyfriend asked what my family thought of his mom. “They said they thought she was nice,” I explained. And that’s the truth. That’s exactly what my mom said in the car on the ride to Jersey when I asked. And then she quickly changed the subject.

“What did your mom say about my family?” I asked Boyfriend.

“She said your mom is really pretty, but wears a lot of makeup,” Boyfriend explained. “She thinks your dad is nice and that your sister is gorgeous.”