SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

In my endless pursuit to find entertainment on the internet, I’ve been reduced to joining the free and popular among the youth dating site OkCupid. About 15 seconds after signing up and entering some rudimentary interests and uploading a single picture, I realized this was a terrible mistake. My screen was immediately being ass-raped by pop-up IMs from a bunch of strangers who, for some reason, wanted to communicate with me.

This is when I realized I didn’t even want to meet anyone. Ever. Or even talk to anyone I didn’t already know. Truth be told, I haven’t yet exhausted the supply of men I know in real life to already be reduced to trying to find new (and doubtless, creepy) ones on the internetz.

And it wasn’t long after being a member on the site that I received a message from a female user who was listed as being 96% “like me,” as in, we were suitable alternatives for one another should someone try to contact one of us and fail.

Here is our exchange (things are parentheses weren’t actually said). And keep in mind, this was entirely unsolicited and unprovoked:

feistymisty*: i’m hotter than you and i bet more guys send me msgs and stalk me mmkay?

me: Wow! Awesome! (Because god knows, I don’t have enough random assholes saying dumb shit to me! And isn’t that what every girl wants? A boatload of stalkers? I know I can’t sleep at night if I don’t know that at least a dozen 30-year olds are jerking off to photos of me! I don’t think she really got my sarcasm though…)

feistymisty: I am certainly glad we agree upon this very important topic in such a casual, offhand fashion. Now if the rest of the world would be just as flexible and forgiving as the two of us, think about all the world problems that would be solved! We’d put a stop to religiously and ethnically inspired terrorism, curtail the rate of pollution, combat both the obesity epidemic and the malnutrition in third world countries (Perhaps by feeding obese people to the very poor!). Nationalism, racism, sexism, fundamentalism; Virtually every -ism that’s just plain bad will be recognized and erased from existence.

I’m just happy we agree.

me: (What the FUCK are you talking about?! “Very important topic”? You are batshit crazy.) Hey, thanks for the politics lesson, Gandhi! You are so right. Your method of attacking complete strangers for absolutely  no reason in some half-baked effort to damage their self-esteem is exactly what is missing from the world! Oh, wait, actually it’s superficial, petty girls like you who are largely responsible for masses of women hating themselves and each other. Nevermind how hot you are, you’re clearly self-centered, stupid, and bored.

Also, the technique you described (”flexible and forgiving” when it comes to what is right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable behavior) would likely fall into the category of “appeasement,” i.e., the tactic employed to pacify Hitler after he invaded Czechoslovakia in an attempt to just “give him what he wanted” and skirt conflict. It worked out really well, right?! So, hey, thanks again!

So friends, this is the price you pay for merely existing online. Crazy girls come out of the woodwork just to tell you how un-hot you are. The really unfortunate thing is that her long proposal on how to save the world was wasted in a message to me rather than sent to the President, who could finally realize her genius and use these ideas to implement world peace. Oh well. Just say no to internetz.

Also, she is not hotter than me.

*Screen name was NOT changed to protect user identities. This girl is an idiot.