SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

By now it’s widely known that I am not a fan of the police. And yes, part of the reason for this is that my asshole ex-boyfriend was a police officer and now I’m jaded for life, but the other reason is because the police - and I’m about to offend some people with this next part - are incompetent (forgive me AF, I don’t mean Matt. He is the one exception to this rule because he’s your husband and your my friend). Sure, that’s a pretty big generalization and you can argue that not all cops are incompetent and I will agree, but the sad truth is that many are. And really, what do you expect? Here in America we give any Joe or Suzy Halfwit a gun and entrust them to protect us, and all we require is that they complete high school and a physical fitness test. In fact, we send them off to the “police academy” for less than a year and call that sufficient training to serve and protect the general population. Forgive me for being skeptical.

So, what spurred this latest outrage? Well, today, as I was leaving the subway station on my way home, two hoodlums opened the emergency door somehow (because I thought it could only be opened from the other side, but then again, I’m not an expert criminal) and walked right through to the other side without freakin paying! And what happened to these misfits you ask? NOTHING! Not. A. Damn. Thing. And why? Because, of course, there were no police officers around when this crime occurred. So where are all the police? Probably out busting “criminals” like me and my friends.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this story in the past (that’s what four years of being an alcoholic in college and one too many hits on the bong will do to you), but one day, about three-four years ago when I was single and heading back to my apartment with my two best friends at the time (one male, one female), and the flavor of the week, though he didn’t last long after I told him he would make a “good husband one day” when I saw him cleaning my dishes, which I think I asked him to do . . .

Anyway, on our way back to my apartment to crash, we were in the subway station when we realized that only three of us had metrocards, so we brainstormed a quick, and cheap way to deal with this situation - two people would go through the turnstile at once. Brilliant! However, little did we know that two police officers with nothing better to do, were hiding, and listening, on the other side. As soon as my two friends crossed to the other side, Dick and Prick Policeman were waiting for them with tickets, and none of my sweet-talk or fake threats would change their minds. After I finished my drunken, incoherent verbal beating, my friends dragged me off and we went on our way.

Now, can someone please explain to me the purpose of  fining four, usually semi-responsible young adults who tried to cheat the MTA, which I might add robs us each and every day, just once, while a duo of hoodlums, who looked pretty bad-ass to me, roam free?

In fact, where the hell are the Po-Po when the annoying losers who lurk outside my apartment building are throwing glass bottles at the wall at night? Or when the Rego Park rapist is on the loose in my neighborhood? NOWHERE. And why? Because they are cowards. Sure, it’s easy to hand out tickets to innocent, non-threatening looking young adults, but it ain’t so easy to do the same thing to two thugs who look like they could kick your ass if you so much as look at them the wrong way.

Shame on you Police Officers of America, shame on you.