SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Because “A Day in E-mails” was so wildly popular (in my mind anyway), I’ve decided to do describe another day in paradise, but this time in IMs. And, this time, because I know PR-speak may seem foreign to those not in the biz, I’ve also taken the liberty of translating the IMs. Also, it’s actually only a morning in e-mails, as it’s late and I’m tired and didn’t want to type an entire day’s worth of conversations. You understand.

SuperSupervisor (8:58 a.m.): Good morning! Will you please come down to my office in a few minutes. We need to chat about the memo you sent last night. And let’s get coffee first. My treat!

Translation: Hi. The memo you sent to the client last night was awful. Were you drunk when you were writing it? And why didn’t I see it before you sent it out. I never would have given it my stamp of approval. Anyway, we need to revise it. This is going to be a long morning, so I need coffee. And, because I enjoy abusing the company credit card, I’ll buy.

SubwayGal (9:05 a.m.): Good morning! I have to finish that other assignment you sent me last night, so can we meet in an hour? I’m eager to hear your feedback! I’ll bring the coffee, and it’s my treat. Skim milk and one Equal, right?

Translation: Ugh. Why are you bothering me so early in the morning? The last thing I want to do is meet with you and listen to your critique of my work because I think you’re incompetent. But I guess I can come by in an hour, after I finish that pointless assignment you sent to me late last night and asked for a ridiculously fast turnaround. I’ll get the coffee because God knows I’ll need it for this meeting, and I’ll pay too because if I don’t, I’ll never hear the end of it.

POSClient (10:17 a.m.): The CEO’s intrview with the New Yurk Times is this morning and you didn’t send me the reporter’ fone #!!

Translation: The CEO of this company is being interviewed by the number one newspaper and you are making me look unprepared in front of him by not providing me with all of the information I needed. This is what I pay you for. Sometimes, your incompetence amazes me and I wonder how you’re employed at all.

SubwayGal (10:20 a.m.): Good morning to you too, POS. As you may recall, I sent you the phone number yesterday morning at 8:57 a.m. (I’m happy to forward you the e-mail, if you would like), and then again as a reminder at 6:03 p.m. (I’m happy to forward you this e-mail too, if you would like). The number again is XXX-XXX-XXXX. I can’t wait to find out how the interview went! Please call or e-mail me if you need anything else.

Translation: How many times do I have to tell you something until your small brain finally absorbs it. How the hell did you get your current job? You are an idiot. I-D-I-O-T. Idiot. Oh, and you may want to look into using this great new e-mail tool called, “spell check.” Moron. I hope I don’t hear from you for the rest of the day. I hate you.

LoyalColleague (11:59 a.m.): Are you ready for a break too? Let’s meet in the lobby in 5 and grab lunch.

Translation: Do you want to kill yourself today too? Let’s do a liquid lunch at the bar across the street.

Subway Gal (12:00 p.m.): Hell yes! Let’s meet in 2 minutes in the lobby. I also have a present for you

Translation: Let’s get the hell out of here and have a few shots. I brought us flasks. Surprise! And a bottle of tequila. Surprise again