Roommate rage is a difficult emotion to manage. In the close quarters of many a Manhattan apartment, I’m sure countless individuals experience bouts of such frustration. Whether the emotion stems from unwashed dishes or unpaid rent, inevitably conflicts arise that make living with other people less than perfect.
In my particular case, the problem was more personal than simply a difference in lifestyle. My new roommate, Man, had turned out to be the ex-slutfriend of my recent boyfriend-to-be, Jake, a horrid coincidence that brought my relations with Jake to an abrupt close. I recognize that I’m being harsh and dramatic, but I’m angry, resentful, jealous…I could go on. And this jumble of negative emotions continues to drive me slightly insane.
Needless to say, since Man limberly inserted herself in between Jake and me, the atmosphere in our apartment has been, well, tense.
Check out this situation dramedy that I’m currently starring in:
Episode 1: Enlighten Up
In the early morning, Man, clad in underwear and a camisole, does sun salutations on her yoga mat in the middle of the kitchen/living room area. Stunned enters, gets a bowl of cereal, and turns on her Friday Night Lights DVD. Man sighs and crumples into a little inert pile on her yoga mat.
Man: Uh, hey.
Stunned: Good morning!
Man: Don’t you have to get ready for work or something?
Stunned: No, not yet.
Man: Well, do you think you could turn down the TV?
Stunned: Then I wouldn’t be able to hear anything.
Man: It’s just that I do my sun salutations in here every morning and it’s kind of distracting if there’s all of this background noise.
Stunned: Oh, sorry.
Stunned continues watching television. There’s a pause as Man just sits there.
Man: So…you’re not going to turn it down?
Stunned: Well, I am sorry, but, like I said, I can’t hear it if I turn it down.
Man: I just think this is our common space and we all should respect one another’s daily routines. I need to do my sun salutations. It’s like my coffee in the morning. So I’m asking you to accommodate that.
Stunned: And watching TV is like my coffee in the morning. So I’m asking you to respect that.
Man [obviously frustrated, but trying to stay “centered” or whatever]: Okay, fine. [pause] I guess I have a hard time believing that some random teen drama really has any crucial bearing on how you begin your day. This is the first time you’ve even gotten up at this hour.
Stunned [pauses the DVD]: Well, I’m not asking to be part of your belief system, Man. And just to cast a brief ray of illuminating light below that rock that you live under, Friday Night Lights is one of the best shows on television.
Man: Um, the only rock I live under is a pillar of enlightenment. And I don’t need TV to fill in the holes in my life. I don’t have any holes.
Stunned: Well, I’m sorry if my holes are offending you. But this is what I’m using the “common space” for. I don’t complain about having to see you do yoga in your underwear when I wake up, so why don’t you just let me watch my TV show?
Man: If I knew you were so uncomfortable about the human body I would have been more respectful of that.
Stunned: I’m not uncomfortable. It’s just that someone’s barely-covered ass stretched to capacity in downward dog isn’t necessarily the first thing I care to witness in the morning.
Man: Well, I guess I’ll wear shorts next time. [Man kneels down and rolls up her mat; her voice returns to a calm, even tone] Oh, by the way, I’m having dinner with Jake tonight.
Stunned: What?
Man: Yeah, it was so good to see him the other night–thanks to you! So we’re going to spend some real time catching up tonight. I’ll tell him you say, “Hi.”
Man turns and exits, victoriously smug. Stunned stands, her fuming physically apparent through her widening eyes and fidgeting mouth.
Stunned [to herself]: Isn’t it kind of impossible to be enlightened when you don’t have a soul?
Stunned presses “play” on the DVD and lets Friday Night Lights’ opening credits “center” her.
NEXT WEEK on an all new Man vs. Wild: Stunned discovers someone has used all of her Pearl tampons and now there are only o.b. applicator-less products left in the bathroom…She has her (obvious) suspicions, but the situation quickly escalates (again) when Stunned catches Man committing a more egregious theft.
Photo credit: www.highestfive.com
August 14th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I am so glad I live alone. I feel for you. I used to live with 2 guys. One was rather over weight and very messy, and the other was a neat freak..but became an ass over the course of a year of living together. Moving in, we were all best friends. Moving out, we all sorta stopped talking to each other. That is til we found each other on facebook, but we still don’t speak that much. Thank goodness I never had to see any of them doing yoga in their tighty whities. Stand your ground!
August 14th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
stunned. I am on your team. Just thought you might need the support.
And Jake sucks. There are much better guys out there. Seriously, what kinda guy takes you to Nathan’s on a date. Not that I dont like hot dogs. but that is pretty lame at best.
August 15th, 2009 at 1:26 am
ugh she’s a full on creep. who uses the word enlightened as a comeback? ouch you hurt my heart. find a yoga studio that caters to the needy for life’s meaning, Man. while you’re buying a lesson buy yourself some wit.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:17 am
Crash their date! Pleaaaaase….