SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Healthcare reform this, healthcare reform that, healthcare reform every damn place you look. WE GET IT! Healthcare reform, in some shape and form, is on the way and everybody and their mother has an opinion about it. Although Congress is off for the remainder of the summer (lucky bastards), healthcare reform remains the No. 1 topic in the news. And I’m not saying that it isn’t important, because it most definitely is, but nothing is going to happen with it until Congress is back in session. So let’s move on, shall we? Let’s weed through all the healthcare reform stories out there and get to the real important news, such as Kourtney Kardashian’s pregnancy.

Say what you will about Kourtney and her wacky family, but I love her. In fact, I love the whole damn Kardashian-Jenner clan. I’m not ashamed to admit that I am a huge fan of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and I’m becoming a fan of the new summer spinoff, “Kourtney and Khole Take Miami.” Have you seen it yet? It’s great! They are such messes and I love it! I wish I could be best friends with all of them! . . . . Wait, what was I talking about?? . . . Oh yes! Kourtney’s pregnancy. I love the girl, but what an idiot. I read on People.com that the reason for her pregnancy is because she sometimes forgetsto take her pill. Okay, I can understanding forgetting one day out of the month, or taking it a few hours later than usual, but sometimes forgetting? Set a damn alarm on your phone or blackberry! I do it. It works. Now she’s knocked up by a shady, skinny white boy with bad hair. And he’s only 26, which is like 18 in boy years. Good luck with that Kourtney. If I were you, I would have had sex with someone hot, and famous, and claim the kid was theirs. Have some respect woman.

Brett Favre is back to playing football; this time for the Vikings. This again. Didn’t he go into retirement and then come right back out of it last season? And we all saw how unsuccessful that was, as evidenced by the fact that the Jets have moved on with a younger, hotter quarterback. Make up your goddamn mind, Brett! All I’m saying is, if you make the decision to retire, it should have been a well thought-out decision that you planned to stick with. I don’t know about you, but I think this whole fiasco makes him look like an idiot. But it sure did get him a lot of press! In fact, his press conference is playing in the background as I type. And he’s wearing a dirty hat. Charming.

The new “Dancing with the Stars” lineup has been announced, and, along with such A-listers as Melissa Joan Hart and Aaron Carter, former House Republican leader Tom DeLay will be joining the cast. Really? Are you that hard up for attention, Mr. DeLay, or are you trying to prove that Republicans can be fun and flexible too? I don’t buy it. In fact, I’m outright suspicious of the whole thing. If I actually watched the show, I might be tempted to boycott it.

The latest sex tape to the hit the Internet belongs to husband and wife duo Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart. McSteamy? Dylan’s dead wife? I expected so much more from you. I mean, it’s not that you made a sex tape (who doesn’t these days??) with a former Miss Teen USA, it’s that you let it leak. You aren’t kids anymore and you can’t seek solace at the Peach Pit. Bad things will be revealed. They always are. I bet they know this; they have to. Come to think of it, I bet they leaked the tape themselves as a way to get more publicity for the upcoming season of “Grey’s” and whatever the hell it is that Rebecca Gayheart does these days.