So, last Saturday I went out and got absurdly intoxicated within the span of an hour. A drunk girl and a cell phone: no doubt the ultimate ingredients for a batch of piping hot humiliation. I awoke the next morning feeling like my head had been filled with sharp rocks. And then I remembered my outlandish textual behavior: I had sent a series of texts to my very much extinguished flame, Jake. Oh, God. Were my pathetic textual advances as bad as I remembered? Stuffed with a healthy serving of dread, lightly seasoned with a sprinkle of nausea, I opened my flip phone…
11:52 PM
Hiii!
Great start. Honestly, what is he supposed to do with this? And the three i’s followed by the exclamation point are an embarrassment. I might as well have sent a : ) and I do NOT send : ). Ever.
11:54 PM
Whatru doin tonight?
Two minutes later, I realize the unproductive nature of my first text. What I should have realized: Drunk texting my ex (who was never really a true straightforward boyfriend to begin with), especially an ex I suspect may start secretly dating my lecherous imp of a roommate, is tantamount to me auditioning for an a cappella group or playing volleyball. That is to say, failure is inevitable.
12:23 AM
Guess ur not out. o well.
Just stop talking!
12:36 AM
I just miss u
Oh God. NO.
12:41 AM
sorry. that was werd. ssorry
Ooh, slurring my text messages. How endearing.
12:56 AM
cant we talk again?
Jesus, I hope not. Never ever again.
2:34 AM
Why?!
This isn’t a response to a text he sent me, but rather an expression of existential crisis.
I never did hear back from Jake. Remember, you don’t have to be Julie or Julia to whip up your very own recipe for disaster. Glad I can offer you a taste of the Stunned Special while it’s still fresh.
Photo Credit: gastrogirls.wordpress.com
Check out blyberg.net to record your own disastrous recipe…Or create something fun and upbeat, if you’re into that sort of thing.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Holy Lord I’ve been doing this way too much lately. My ex lives in CO and I live in Manhattan. We broke up, not last June, but the June before. I moved across the country and I still drunk text him. Alcohol definitely damages my already swiss cheese brain.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Awww you poor girl! I used to the queen of drunk dialing and sent many texts that I regretted terribly the next day. I feel your pain. Hold your head high and move on! If by chance he shares this with the Man and she makes a snarky comment, smack her in the face! Please.
August 26th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Oh WOW thats horrifying!
I tend to drink and facebook *eeps*
August 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
oooh the drunk facebook is pretty bad. i have written my fair share of drunk “hey just wanted to say hi” messages. Unfortunately my messages make total sense and are not misspelled so I don’t even seem drunk at 3AM just crazy. My phone and computer should have a breathalizer attached.
August 31st, 2009 at 10:35 am
That recipe pic / description is so cute.