Yesterday I stumbled upon an interesting article online titled, “13 Signs He’s Dating a Loser;” a how-to guide if you will for men to spot loser women (as if such a thing exists) they may be in a relationship with, and get the hell out asap! Boyfriend asked me to read the article, all the while snickering behind me. When I started to read, I understood why. I fit about three of those signs. But I don’t necessarily agree with all of them, which is why I came up with my own list of signs - “Six Signs He’s/She’s In a Failing Relationship.”

Why six? Because I like alliteration. Why failing relationship? Because Boyfriend thought it would be lame for me to rip-off the title of the original article.

Rule No. 1 - If, after more than one year together, he/she still gets freaked out when you mention the word “marriage,” or god forbid, “children,” it’s time to start planning an exit strategy. I am inclined to believe that once you are out of college and living in the real world and dating someone for a year, you should be comfortable hearing and saying the word “commitment.” An entire year is a pretty freakin long time to be with one person. If you aren’t willing to make the commitment, don’t make the investment in a relationship that is clearly going nowhere.

Rule No. 2 -If he/she doesn’t work, or steal, or contribute at all financially and expects you to deal with all, or most, of the financial “hassles” like bills and rent and good, then kick him/her out right now. GO! I’ll wait…………………………………………..

Back? I bet you feel much better now, don’t you?

As I was saying, why the hell should you be expected to carry the weight for both of you? I suffer for my paycheck each week, and you should have to do the same goddammit!! If you need to be supported by someone, I suggest you ask mom and dad if you can move back home because you definitely cannot stay with me.

Rule No. 3 - If you don’t enjoy any of the same movies, your relationship is doomed to fail. There’s nothing worse than someone who loves Ben Stiller comedies while the other prefers Martin Scorsese dramas. It doesn’t work. If you’re stubborn, like some Boyfriend who shall remain nameless, you will never agree to see a movie your significant other likes and instead force him/her to see the movie you like. You selfish prick!

Anyway, it’s like this - You either like Will Ferrell, or you don’t. You think Angelina Jolie is a saint or you recognize her for the home-wrecking weirdo that she is. You know that “Dirty Dancing” is one of the best 80s movies ever made, or you think it was a an unrealistic story about a young woman with a flat chest and bad hair, having an affair with a male prostitute who might be gay. You get the picture, and it’s not pretty.

Rule No. 4 - You’re significant other is a stripper or prostitute. This should need no further explanation. Name me one person that you know who has had a successful relationship with someone who shares their body with others for a fee. ……………………….Exactly.

Rule No. 5 - Your parents invited your girlfriend/boyfriend over for dinner and he,she spends most of the evening flirting with you brother or sister. If this is how he/she acts around someone you know and love, imagine how they are acting with sexy strangers? They may even be carrying around STDs that you weren’t previously aware of. Better get rid of this one as soon as possible.

Rule No. 6 - Before making any important decisions affecting your lives, your significant other has to call home and ask for mom’s advice. This is a BIG, red warning flag. If you have heard phrases like, “Mom, what outfit do you think I should wear to my interview tomorrow,” or “Ma, since you still help me manage my finances, do you think I can afford to buy a new couch? Will you come to the store with me and help me pick it out?” , more than once during the course of your relationship, you are in trouble. Nothing good can come of this. If you think these things are bad, wait until your significant other is calling mom about real important decisions in your lives like, “What do you think we should name our first born?” or “I want to have anal sex, but he/she doesn’t. What do you think we should do?”

Okay, now it’s your turn. Do you have any rules you would like to add to the list??