SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

A few months ago I was taking my lunch break in beautiful Bryant Park and had just scored a sweet spot to sit and read when these two college-aged girls approached me. “Can I ask you a question?” asked the Asian one, with a slight accent. “Yeah okay,” I said, not thrilled to have my reading interrupted by these two. They didn’t look like they were selling anything so I okayed the exchange, figuring they were probably just looking for the nearest Forever 21. What a mistake that was.

“Have you ever heard of the Lord Mother?” she asked. Um, what? “Like God but only a woman.” Yeah, okay. Like the movie Dogma. Yes I’ve heard of her, and she’s Alanis Morisette.

“Yeah, sure,” I mumbled, and focused back on my book. But this girl wanted a conversation. God fucking dammit. She’s shocked and surprised that I’ve heard of this “Lord Mother” nonsense and proceeds to explain what it is to me. I keep telling her I’m not religious. She doesn’t listen, she wants me to pray to the Lord Mother along with Jesus and the Holy Ghost and some shit. Her partner is silent. She is legitimately trying to engage me, an obviously annoyed total stranger, in a conversation about religion.

Finally I’m like, “Look lady, I don’t believe in any of this. I don’t believe in God.” She is confused. “You don’t believe in heaven? Or hell?” she asks. Me: “No.” She’s bewildered; I don’t think this was in their script. “I think a lot of people my age don’t believe in this stuff.” She disagrees, and tries to tell me that all young people must believe in God and afterlife. Pfff, not the ones at NYU.

Then again, she came from China and this other girl is apparently from Poland, and they converted from Buddhism and Judaism (respectively) because this Lord Mother idea was so captivating. I think they’ve both made really poor life choices. Turns out they are students at the local Catholic College (haha). The concept alone is amusing, nevermind these girls have chosen (or been assigned) to perform their mission work in Midtown Manhattan, as Godless a spot as they come.

For example, you’re more likely see a woman kill a man with a stiletto heel at 9am in order to get her Starbucks skinny mocha latte on time than you are to see any sane employed person reading a bible or going to church in the trifecta of hell that is Midtown Manhattan. In fact, I saw a fight break out between the crazy guy who puts his cat, dog, and guinea pig on display at the corner of 42nd and 6th and some other wack job, presumably because nutty plaid-sports-coat-animal-dude was exploiting the animals’ well-being to bring in a buck. Granted, both are crazy.

The Chinese girl tries to wrap her head about my non-belief and seems to be failing. “What about when you die?” she asks. “That’s it,” I say. “You’re dead. The end.” I doubt anyone had ever proposed this to her before. Her grasp of English and logic in general don’t seem strong enough for me to bother forging on with the idea. And after all, I really have no interested in forcing my beliefs on anyone else.

After a solid ten minutes of trying to politely excuse myself, I decided these two nitwits had wasted enough of my mere hour-long lunch break, and I am forced to abandon the prime table spot I had secured for myself and just walk away. No table was worth this harrassment. People can believe whatever they want, just keep it the hell out of my lunch break, and when I say “buh-bye,” you best make like a tree and leave.

But this is when I learned there is something more annoying than being asked to explain and justify your spiritual or religious beliefs: being asked to do it on the spot by two foreign strangers while on your lunch break in a busy park when all you want to do is finish reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.

This is why New Yorkers are perceived as unfriendly. Because there is always someone lurking somewhere trying to sell you something or convert you. Or just asking for money. Or sneezing on the subway pole. Or just generally being horrible.

But god, don’t I just love it.