SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

So now that I’m single, I’m basically back to being 13 years old and boy crazy. I’m not sure why, especially when I’ve taken on this singledom specifically as a means to “find myself” and grow as a person and all that Dr. Phil crap. Maybe it’s because I just love guys. I love the way they smell, I love the way they look (the good-looking ones, anyway), and I love cuddling with them when they look and smell so good. So shoot me.

Anyhoo, being always on the prowl as I am, I’m always scoping out the scene for dudes that strike my fancy. At an event in a Brooklyn venue on Saturday night, I chose my prey. I was first drawn to this guy because he was dressed in a way that is so my type: flannel shirt, old school Adidas, beardless (so important), and with the sort of hair that screams British indie band. Then I looked at him again and wasn’t so sure he was for me. Then I sort of stared and stared and stared at him in a really creepy, unsavory way and decided that he was good-looking, and was totally reminding me of Christian Slater in Heathers. I mean, yeah that character was like insane and homicidal, but you can’t deny that he was fucking hot, so, whatevs. Plus that movie rules.

This dude and his friend sat near me in the bar at the venue, which was near empty and where I was sitting alone, waiting for my friends. Not a word in my direction, though I did catch the occasional glance. Was it possible that I’m not as undeniably good-looking as I think I am? It was starting to seem very likely.

I tried to make an in to conversation by asking Christian Slater’s friend what beer he was drinking and if it was any good. Apparently it was some kind of Chipotle beer, which I posited sounded pretty whack. I then got up to get myself a drink, and when I turned around, some bald gaymo had totally stolen my seat. Blast! Foiled by a Moby look-alike (except not even remotely cute.)

A few minutes later, my friends showed up and we lined up for the stand-up comedy show we were seeing. Christian Slater walked by me and my friends a few minutes later, but I figured all chances of contact were dead, unless I was able to corner him after the show with a little “liquid courage”. The show began and ended, and afterwards he was nowhere to be found and we split instantly for the nearest diner. It seemed that it was not to be….

But wait! The internet! Aha! So for some reason, I later found myself still thinking about Christian Slater and the phenomenon that is the Craig’s List “missed connections” section. I figured, no one reads that shit, so why the hell not! And you might be asking yourself why I would stoop to the level of quasi-meeting someone via the internet. After all, I am not a cave-dwelling troll or social misfit. In fact, I am quite attractive and charming and spend most of my waking hours beating men away with a large branch I found one day after a thunderstorm.

But, I am shy and probably socially awkward, and all the men in New York seem to be huge vaginas when it comes to chatting up girls OR they’re far too forward in a very drunken, douchebaggy sort of way.

Throwing dignity to the wind, I posted an “ad” to find my lost guy from a bar. (They’re so hard to find!)

Two days later I hadn’t received a response and had pretty much forgotten about it. Ah well, it’s not like my name or photo was there so it’s not really a public shaming, no skin off my back. But wait - day three - and I get an email responding to my ad. By some weird fucked up chance, Christian Slater read my post and responded.

So I obviously can’t just let this go. What are the odds that this guy reads the missed connections on CL and would find my post. I mean, unless he’s some kind of psychopathic freakshow who also reads the “adult” or “erotic” or “casual encounters” section or whatever and murders prostitutes selling “massages” online. But that couldn’t possibly be the case. Guys like that don’t enjoy comedy. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

Anyway, despite feeling like a creepy stalker and the horrible stigma and social ousting that goes along with meeting people via the internet (and Craig’s List) especially, I have made a date with Christian Slater for tomorrow night. Stayed tuned to find out if he murders me….

Oh and if  I don’t update for a while, you’ll know why. Please call the cops. I live alone, no one will notice I’m gone.