SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

1. The obscenely aggressive advertising on the NewYorkTimes.com. Is it just me, or did overnight their ads go from mildly annoying pop ups every seven clicks to MURALS that spread over everything and anything you’re reading like an unfurling carpet? That is until you figure out to close them (searching for subtly placed “close” button, usually in transparent writing, can take up to five minutes…more if you haven’t had your morning coffee).

2. Urban Daddy. I don’t get it. Urban Daddy claims to be “secret,” like you have to be “invited” by a friend in order to “subscribe.” But that’s just how they trick you into not realizing you’ve just signed up for daily (sometime double daily) dose of crap with a side of advertisements in your email inbox. I give them credit that their blurbs are chipper, clean, and well-written (often almost annoyingly so), but any venue they mention you already know you want to avoid since every co-worker and 20-something you know is receiving this email too. So fab late night Macaroni at this new place in SoHo (which probably paid Urban Daddy to feature it) will not only be mediocre compared to their very polished written description, but have a line half way around the block resulting in the worst night ever

3. theDealist – same thing! They also use the trick “invite only” fake seemingly exclusive subscription method to begin abusing your email address DAILY. But worse, they tempt you with “deals” for things like theater tickets, hot dogs and today, eyelash extensions. They tell you the cost of the original product and how much you’d save if you bought it through them now (66% savings…WOW!)…of course it has to be by midnight tonight (cue the cheesy infomercial man’s voice). The problem here? You’re about to sign up for your great deal when you realize you don’t NEED eyelash extensions and anyplace in cahoots with theDealist to get customers at a huge discount probably SUCKS. Yes, that’s reality folks. The stuff that gets discounted in theDealist or in Target is stuff that didn’t sell elsewhere and that other people don’t want. Probably for a reason. (Note: I do not mean to discount the art of discount clothes shopping which, thanks to people’s varying tastes, is a wholly different matter)

4. Password expirations and requirements. At work, I’m required to change my password every few months. The computer starts a doomsday countdown list for me of how long I can keep my current password, then ultimately I’m forced to come up with a new one. Who does the computer think I am? I have ONE password I like to use for everything…my mind truly can’t handle more than that. I have a SECOND password I use for everything else and that already rattles me to a premature grave. Invent a password every few months and remember it? The best part is they give you cruel mid-games rules like:

- The password cannot contain any words present in your previous password
- Must contain letters AND numbers
- Must contain at least one symbol &%$_., etc.
- Is case sensitive and must contain 1 capital letter

Oh and the best part:

- Cannot contain any part of your full name

Well, wow. Why don’t I just quit my fulltime job and dedicate my life to building codes that I’ll never remember and have to change every 4 months? This is like asking someone to go insane. I can barely remember my own street address. Add a number to any password and I’m out, over, caput. No chance of me every remembering it. Hence, I’m forced to write my ever changing password everywhere, including on sticky notes taped to my computer where they are 100% public. Sort of defeats the purpose of having a “password.” Oh, and right when I’ve memorized it (finally) 4 months later – it’s time to change again.

5. On a similar note to above, those “prove you’re human” spam control thingies on website forms. Clearly, I’m NOT human because my ability to correctly read purposely technologically mangled, off-center, melting numbers and letters needs work. Isn’t it great when you fill out an 8 page online form only to have the last field be “prove you’re human” – a test which you fail and then have to start the whole form over again from scratch? Sometimes, it takes me 4 or 5 rounds to pass these tests. All I can say is that if we have videoconferencing and babies twittering in-utero, there MUST be a way to anti spam that doesn’t involve me analyzing deformed symbols on my computer screen as if it were the Sunday crossword.