In the continuing saga of deciding what I do and do not like in a guy, I came up with one superficial characteristic that is pretty much a deal-breaker right from the start: unruly facial hair. Let me start by saying the following is strictly my personal preference.
I’m not a big fan of facial hair at all, but decided not to rule it out altogether because sometimes an intentional 5 o’clock shadow or well-maintained (and well-trimmed) bit of fuzz on a man’s face can lend him some extra distinction and manliness (see Jason Schwartzman. Mmm.)
However in today’s world of the hipster, I’m noticing that way too many guys that are my age (see: 22) are walking around with “40-years in the desert”-style beards. Okay, so maybe in winter you could come up with some kind of justification for this sort of thing, yeah whatever your face is cold or some shit. But when it’s July, there’s no reason guys should be walking around an urban metropolis like New York City (including Brooklyn) looking like motherfuckin’ Bear Grylls.
I don’t care how hip and cool you are, I know you’ve got running water, and hence no excuse for that beard. You may think my utter hatred and animosity for big bushy facial hair is a bit harsh, but I challenge anyone to list a pro for having something like that on your face. Out of ideas? I thought so.
Here is why I detest unruly beards:
1) They’re ugly.
2) I bet food gets stuck in it. That’s jank.
3) There’s no way in hell I’m about to kiss a guy with a Brillo pad on his face, but if I did, I’m 101% sure it would be unpleasant.
4) Do you shampoo that thing? What’s the deal?
So I think I’ve explained myself pretty thoroughly, but here’s another thing: I don’t want to get involved with a guy whose face is hairier than my downstairs. I spend money and go through a lot of pain to maintain a state of order and prettiness down there, on a part of my body that won’t ever be seen in public or even by 99.99999% of the population.
Let’s get real, beards are just face pubes. So what makes you think you look good walking around with your face looking like a hedge maze that hasn’t been tended to for over a decade? Are you just so damn good-looking that if you didn’t have six month’s worth of nasty sprouting from your face that you’d be dogged and eventually trampled by beautiful women who want to make out with you?
Seriously, ironic facial hair was funny for like 5 seconds. It got old faster than Kanye’s “Imma letchu finish” bit. (Actually that’s still funny.) So in conclusion, shave your damn face. Unless you’re bearding it up for religious reasons, in which case, you go on and do what your momma told you.
September 24th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
40-years in the desert - ahaahahah. Yes, this from someone under the age of 50 or just with access to a mirror, is unacceptable.
September 25th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Maybe you don’t like it because you don’t want guys to scrape your thighs?
September 29th, 2009 at 10:48 am
weird i just blogged about this too. it’s like making out with a cheese grater. looking in the mirror after making out with stubble is a humiliating experience.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:08 am
if you hate beards then you should look at beards.org im a member and personally i believe that a beard and the kind of beard you have shows character and individuality. And the fact that i think that most people who hate beards are those of whom cant grow one for the life of them.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:05 am
You’re right, I can’t grow a beard for the life of me. Oh envy!!
November 19th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Yes, we do shampoo and condition them.
It’s important for them to remain soft and clean.
It’s currently “No-Shave November” where most single men prepare for the long and lonesome winter by growing something warm on fuzzy on our faces to keep us from the cold frost of the city nights…