SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Everyone has at least one thing in their past that they regret. And if they say they don’t, they’re lying. In fact, they probably have the most to hide. Anyway, I have always tried to live by the mantra, “we can’t change the past so there’s no use in dwelling on it,” but wouldn’t it be nice if we could change the past? If you let yourself wonder for a moment what it would be like to actually go back and change the past, what would you change? I started thinking about that this evening, and this is what I’ve come up with so far . . .

1. I would have had better gaydar and not spent sixth grade crushing over a man who turned out to be homosexual. I wasted a lot of good notes on this guy, and all for nothing! I remember one day when he finally told me that he likes me too! For a few class periods, I was on Cloud 9, thinking we were going to be the new hot couple. Unfortunately for me, before the day ended, he changed his mind. That should have been my first clue.
2. I would not have lost my virginity to the guy I did. He was in college, I was going to be a senior in high school, he had a firecrotch, and we had known each other for a few months or so. We technically weren’t really even a couple. The whole thing happened shortly after I had a really bad car accident, so maybe I was trying to live each day like it was my last, or something like that. All I know is that I don’t really remember the sex, except that it wasn’t very good. After that first time, we did it once more and then kinda fizzled out. This is the stuff fairy tales are made of kids. Take notes.
3. I would have majored in psychology in college. Lately, as I’ve been trying to decide what it is I want to do with the rest of my life, I was thinking that psychology might be interesting. Except that I don’t really have the time or financing to go back to school right now. So that idea is pretty much DOA and I’m stuck with my “glamorous” PR job.
4. I would have spent more of my single days at bars on and around Wall Street. I should have been more serious in my pursuit to find a good-looking, wealthy man. I don’t know what I was doing thinking he would just fall into my lap, or that I would meet him on the bathroom line at “Joshua Tree.” Stupid!
5. I would never have let myself spend my senior year of high school walking around with long, blond hair and brown roots. Looking back, I see that it was gross. And shame on my friends and family for allowing me to walk around like that! Especially you mom. And you call yourself a hairdresser . . .
6. I wouldn’t have ever, ever said that I thought the Bronx Zoo was in New Jersey. Years later, I still get grief about this.
7. I would have worn my Ray Lewis Ravens jersey on Sunday during the game because Boyfriend says that’s the reason they lost, and I think he may be right. (Yes, I’m that special).
8. When the strip club I was determined to strip at one drunken weekend night in college (with the support of my friends carrying big signs of encouragement) told me I was cute and to come back on Wednesday for amateur night, I would have gotten liquored up and gone. You know, just to say I did it. And make extra money. And possibly find a new career.
9. I would have maced the a**hole who spit on me in the subway one morning back in August. I would have also turned around, headed back home and called it a day.
10. I wouldn’t have had that quickie wedding in Vegas.

KIDDING!!! About the last one anyway . . .