SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I’m at dinner with a girlfriend of mine gabbing away about our love lives and soliciting one another for advice. It’s your typical retarded, over-analytical conversation of ‘do you think when he said X, he really meant Y?’ or ‘when he did Q it was actually a metaphor for Z?’ and ‘when he failed to W it was really because of his childhood anger about VZXYP?’

Worthless, but an effective way to pass time and forget that you’re an adult with crap responsibilities and a life-sucking job.

I’m pondering out loud about whether I should ask this guy if he wants to be exclusive (he seems to be hinting at it but too afraid to be blatant) and how I could phrase such a idiotic idea without terrifying him when my friend just interrupts with, “MB, you can never ask a guy a question. It just doesn’t work.”

I cock my head.

“No, I’m really close with my dad,” she goes on, “we talk about this stuff. And he says guys are terrified of rejection, like, even more than we are, and they hate being put on the spot. Asking them a question, even a basic question, is just way too much pressure. Think about it, have you ever pressed a guy for an answer about something emotional and gotten the response you wanted?”

I do a quick brain scan and realize that no, never. Men always seem to squirm and wish for death when put in the emotional Q and A hot seat. I never get the answer I want and just feel like the banging-your- head-into-a-brick-wall variety of idiot.

“Guys are way more insecure than we think. You don’t realize,” she goes on. “Like even if you give the most basic scenario: ‘I love you, do you love me?’ they’re already spinning like ‘Does she really love me? Is she just saying this because she wants something from me? Does she really mean it?’ on and on and on. And think about it, often when you ask questions you’re just planting ideas in their head. Like, ‘Are you mad at me?’ just reminds them that they are/should be mad at you. ‘Are you going to break up with me?’ just puts the idea that they should break up with you in their head. Then they’re like, ‘Oh, maybe I should break up with this person.’”

“Oh. My. God. I feel like this is so true,” I mumble, mesmerized.

“Never ask them anything. Just tell them what you want and guide the conversation. No question marks involved. Like, ‘I was thinking we should see more of each other’ or ‘I’d like to see more of each other’ and then just move on. Never, ‘Do you want to see more of each other?’ He’ll have no idea what to say. He’s afraid he’ll hurt you if he says ‘no’ so will evade. Or if he’s game he’ll still be thinking if he says ‘yes’ you might say, ‘Oh, well, I don’t.’”

“It may seem manipulative but it’s really not. Men don’t like questions; they just like to feel like they’ve come up with solutions. It’s the same as those genius women behind successful men who are still happily married. They just set up conversations so husbands think they came up with all the answers themselves.”

“Wow. So their input in terms of the relationship just like, ceases to matter.”

“In terms of ‘the relationship,’ well, yes. Cornering them with questions will just get you nowhere.”

Fascinating.

Fact? Fiction? Does anyone have experience with the methods above and care to comment?