SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I saw them coming down the street about two blocks before we actually came face to face. It was well-dressed girl and her boyfriend. And by “well-dressed” I mean she looked put together, and “uncomfortable”.

This is not the only occurrence of a well-dressed girl and her man that I have seen in the past few weeks.

Normally these couples can be found, running errands, doing laundry, picking up groceries, all while he is in comfortable sneakers and cotton fabrics… and she is in, well, she is dressed up.

As they were crossing the street he was almost yanking her arm out as she balanced herself on the four inch cat-boot heels. Now she looked great. She really did. Fancy scarf, great jacket, high boots… but you could tell the boyfriend was thinking, “Woman let’s move it along here! Why the hell aren’t you in sweatpants and some old Reeboks, we are picking up gravel from the hardware store…g-r-a-v-e-l!”

But I saw that look in her eyes. The ‘I will risk life and limb to look good’ kinda look.

I have been there before. Oh, how I have been there. Getting ready to go get a membership at a local gun range, my boyfriend thought it would be fun to bring me along for the process. Gun, old men, a shack in the middle of the woods…what’s not to love?

As I emerged from the bedroom I could see him eyeing me up and down. “Are you really wearing those boots? Knee high boots?”

“Ugh, yes?”

“To a gun range?”

“Yes?”

“Knee high boots and leggings to a gun range?”

“Yes.”

“People will be there dressed in camouflage and in redneck attire. You know this right?”

“Um, yes I do.”

Ok, so I was wearing a sweater, leggings and boots. Is there something so wrong with that? I thought that is how outdoorsy people dressed. No?

Sometimes when he tells me what errands we are running he will say things such as, “Don’t wear your nice jeans…wear crummy jeans…”

What the hell does that mean? What exactly are “crummy jeans”? Some 1979 Levi’s with shit stains on them? Is that what he is looking for?

One of my favorite stories involves a very cute and very sweet friend of mine who is tiny and perfect… and most women would want her dead if it wasn’t for her adorable personality. Well her boyfriend gave her a sport-jersey as a gift one year to wear to a game…in her mind she thought, ‘great! I know just what to do!’…..and showed up at a local sports bar wearing the sports-jersey belted with boots and nothing else.

Now granted she was small enough that the jersey did make a cute fitted dress on her…but he was mortified, “Where are you pants?!” He kept asking frantically as she strolled over.

“My pants?” She said. “This is a DRESS!” Well let’s just say he quickly escorted her outside the bar and asked her to go home and put on some pants. …Did he mention jeans? Crummy jeans?

Before I head out at night I need explicate instructions  from my boyfriend on how much time we are going to be spending outdoors and/or walking. This is how I base my outfits and shoes. The less time actually being in nature and moving, the better, if I enjoyed running outdoors in nature I wouldn’t live in a city. That is all I am going to say about that. And I would come better equipped with more “appropriate shoes”.

I finally gave in this year to wearing flats. My problem is now I can’t even dream of wearing heels the whole commute in to work, it seems like punishment. Even though when standing straight in my flats I am about as tall as Verne Troyer.

Fashionable women will always have a hard time meeting their boyfriend’s dress requirements. Mainly because, guys don’t have any. If it was up to my boyfriend he would throw me in a pair of overalls and Ked shoes to go out to the Dentist…..Does he not know that the hot receptionists at the dentist office force me to reevaluate my makeup situation every time I go?….Or understand that I wouldn’t dress the way I do if there were no other girls to compete with in this world? Hell if I was the only woman alive, no way would I ever put on one more slab of makeup more spend more than twenty bucks on a pair of jeans…..but being that there are other women in this world, if I need high heeled boots and tight leggings at a redneck gun party to make myself feel good…well then so be it.

And stop asking me if I am, “really wearing those boots”…. Because I am damnit.