We recently hired a new second receptionist (I am the first, and senior, receptionist) at my job, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn’t exactly got me thrilled.
Let me tell you why.
This guy is one of those guys. This guy is so fucking cheerful all the time you’d think he eats fucking rainbows and cotton candy for breakfast. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to have a positive attitude, especially at work when it’s sometimes hard to just get through the day, but this guy is more robotic than just positive, and I just can’t relate to someone who never complains and is so, well, deranged.
He literally fucking hums and whistles while he works, like a goddamn magical dwarf or something. Now I think it’s obvious that I’m no Snow White. I put on a pretty, happy face while I’m at work because it’s my job, but when no one else is around I hardly find it necessary to be bopping along to my own internal (and probably insane) soundtrack. This guy is taking it totally too far, belting out unnecessary loud and excited greetings to anyone who walks by the front desk, even if they just walked by five minutes earlier.
There’s no way this guy is human. One Monday he came in and told me his dog had died, and while I was really super sad to hear that (because I love dogs), I was secretly a little glad that he might reveal a shred of humanity and perhaps drop the crack-happy facade for a day or two. Nope. He kept right on truckin’ as if nothing had happened at all. I think I was sadder about his dog dying than he was! Unless this guy is doing meth in the bathroom I really can’t come up with any reason why he’s so goddamn thrilled about everything all the time.
And it’s not just his freakishly chipper demeanor that bugs me. There are other things. The humming and whistling is one of them. Also, he refers to petty cash as “PC.” This annoys the crap out of me, and I’m not sure why, so that’s probably more a statement of my insanity than his annoying-ness.
And instead of saying, “Hey, do we have any overtime sheets?” he says, “Hey do we have any extra overtime sheets running around anywhere?” What? What the fuck? Excuse me? No, they’re inanimate objects, they aren’t running around here or anywhere, you absolute psychopath. He uses this sort of phrasing for everything. “Have you seen Ed’s clients running around lately?” NO I FUCKING DIDN’T because this is a place of business where normal people work, not a fucking candy factory with fuzzy bunnies and clients skipping and running around, for Christ’s sake.
He also shouts when he gets on the phone. He’s so loud I’m honestly shocked that no one in the office has complained about him disturbing them. You’d think he was talking into a tin can attached to the other person with a length of string, he’s so fucking loud, and my head is probably, at most, a good three feet from his ALL DAY. How do you tell a person to just take it down a notch, lest they cause your ears to bleed, without seeming rude (though in reality you JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE)?
The worst part about my chronic annoyance is the fact that everyone else in the office loves this guy. They pass him and think, “Oh that guy is so charming and outgoing and good-looking and friendly! What a wonderful addition to our team!” I’d probably think that too if I wasn’t chained to a desk with him for nine fucking hours a day. That little routine gets pretty old after about one day. He jokes about everything, and it’s never funny, and it pisses me off like you wouldn’t believe. Here’s an example of a conversation:
Me: Hey, can you hand me that pen?
THAT Guy: (Pretending not see pen that’s right in front of him) Huh? What? What pen?
Me: No seriously, I need that pen.
THAT Guy: What pen?! Hahahah! I don’t see any pen!
Me: Give me the fucking pen or I’m going to get it myself and JAM IT INTO YOUR FUCKING EYE MOTHERFUCKER!!!
End scene.
And I can’t complain because technically, this guy is just doing his job, and everyone will just think I’m a grumpy bitch for having a beef with sweet little chipper THAT Guy. I’d challenge any one of them, though, to sit next to him all day for a week and not be absolutely sure that he’s trippin’ balls or a total sociopath or something.
I would actually be relieved if I found out this guy was like murdering small animals or a serial rapist or something. There’s got to be something very fucked up and disturbing going on with a person who is always so goddamn cheerful, and if there’s not, then god help us all.
To be honest, THAT Guy is actually a super nice dude, which just makes me feel guilty for finding him so fucking annoying, and that sort of makes me hate him more. So until he’s arrested for whatever bat-shit stuff he MUST be doing in his personal time, I’m stuck sucking it up at the front desk and trying not to bludgeon him with a stapler day after day. Let’s just hope he gets fired or something.
November 24th, 2009 at 2:11 am
this is too damn funny. thank you.
November 24th, 2009 at 9:26 am
There’s one of THOSE GUYS in every office. He’s still new though and probably filled with hope and dreams. Give him a few more weeks and he will be beaten down and miserable like the rest of us working people.
November 24th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I hate it when people you think are normal get on the phone and then have that ‘phone voice’ where they say everything 10 decibals higher and are screaming. I would not be able to sit next to that.
November 24th, 2009 at 11:25 am
That’s what I though too Subway Gal… but it’s been three months…
November 25th, 2009 at 6:03 am
HAHAHA thanks so much for brightening my day, this is really funny!