At 1:00 p.m. this afternoon I sat alone in The Womb, the cozy corner cubicle I share with my coworker, Sushi Girl. Headphones on, I’d tuned out the office–the irregular hums and whirs of desktop computers, the low buzz of fluorescent lights, the small bits of conversation that travel out of context. I was listening to the latest podcast of This American Life with the love of my American life, host Ira Glass.

I slipped into a daze as I sat slumped back, thoughtlessly munching on a flattened pb&j sandwich, mesmerized by Ira’s introduction to the week’s show. Then I felt something hit the side of my head. Simultaneously, a yellow object flew across my line of vision.

I looked to the right–a fun-size peanut M&M packet!–and then to the ground–a fun-size Almond Joy! Like the delicious-smelling New York street carts, I’m Nuts 4 Nuts. The miraculous appearance of two of my favorite candies seemed truly a gift from the heavens. I looked up from my desk to behold the face of my personal savior. This time I was struck with joy sans almonds: It was The Windbreaker!

My relationship with The Windbreaker had started with a random act of flatulence and further developed with an alcohol-induced outburst followed by a Trek-influenced treaty. Most recently, The Windbreaker and I had shared a moment upon discovering that we were both secretly reading Twilight. And then I spat on him. Oops. All and all, neither wind nor rain could keep us apart.

I immediately abandoned Ira and my headphones and turned my chair to face him. “Hi,” I said as I leaned over to pick the Almond Joy off the floor and put it next to the M&Ms.

“Hey,” he said, draping his arms over the side of the cubicle wall.

“Where did you get these?” I asked. “That Halloween candy we had around disappeared weeks ago.”

“That’s classified information,” he said simply.

“No, seriously,” I pressed. “Is there a stash I don’t know about?”

“If I told you, I’d have to kiss you–I mean kill you. Kill you,” he reiterated. “A straight up Jason Bourne assassination…Dead.” As he finished his assertion, his hand formed the shape of a gun.

“You’re right,” I said, “I’ve heard people talking about a mole buried deep in the company. A hungry mole. Trust no one.”

But while I kept a cool, calm exterior (shocking), my mind was racing on a hamster wheel: WTF. WTF. WTF. WTF. WTF…

From flatulence to Freudian slips, could this relationship get any weirder? I felt a little rush of elation.

Just then, Sushi Girl—lip gloss poppin’ like it was a Lil’ Mama music video–came strutting down the the corridor.

“Hey you guuuys,” she said, as she dropped into her seat, crossing her legs and running a quick hand through her highlighted hair. “What’s going on?”

“Hey,” The Windbreaker said. “I gotta go get some work done. I’ll see you guys later.”

“Thanks for the candy!” I called after him, craning my neck as I saw him walk swiftly down the corridor.

Sushi Girl was returning from treating herself to lunch out of the office: two Parliaments on Avenue of the Americas. As she sat down, she whipped out her dessert, a piece of wintergreen Dentyne Ice gum.

“Oh my God,” she said, chewing vigorously. “He’s been so awkward with me ever since we made out for like, two seconds at that company happy hour like, over a year ago when I was on a break with my bee eff. It’s like, get over it already.”

Of course Sushi Girl had some weird, drunken kisstory with this guy. Was my interest in The Windbreaker tantamount to eying Sushi’s already-been-chewed Dentyne? I shuddered as I looked at a little wad of gum stuck to the side of our communal wastebasket. Without a word, I put my headphones back on and pressed play on my iTunes:

“ ‘You lose, you lose, you lose, you lose,’ [repeats Jorge]. Jorge says that if he hadn’t just moved to New York City, if he hadn’t just started this whole life, it would not have been the kick in the stomach that it was. Which brings us to today’s radio program. From WBZ Chicago it’s This American Life distributed from Public Radio International. I’m Ira Glass.” *

*Episode #233: “Starting from Scratch”
Photo Credit: freephotooftheday, thisamericanlife.org, nbtravel.com