I’ll never forget when I started complaining to a friend about the amount of crap I receive in my inbox from Urban Daddy. “It’s like, all the time,” I whined. She returned my anger with a quizzical look and said:
“Yeah, dude. They email you daily. It’s a daily mailing.”
Well, that explained why I felt constantly harassed by them. I’m sad to report that months later I still haven’t properly unsubscribed (I mean, who doesn’t love blatant advertisement masked as ‘insider’ information but…). Yet every once in awhile they pull through with gems of information that get my rant writing juices a-flowing. Like today’s ad (I mean, ‘insider information’) about The Strongest Knot in the World, i.e. this butt-ass ugly, asymmetrical ring.
If stunned by its hideousness as I was, thinking it was a joke, you followed the link to their “official website” you’d see they hired probably the sleaziest web designer in town to make a flash site cheaper looking than these (faux?) diamonds. You’d also see their “collection,” all knot-inspired jewelry which resemble asymmetrical sailors’ knots choking different gems to death.
How is it possible that no one on this company’s marketing team stood up to mention that all of these dangling knot-things look like nooses!?
The whole knot as love concept is like a stealth promotion for an abusive relationships and suicide encouragement at once. Yes, I really want that on my wrist, or finger, or (aaagh) neck! Yes, I really want my love symbolized by a Fort Knox-like knot that’s ‘Herculean’ strength is roping me (literally) into this relationship. God forbid either one of us ever get away (choking sounds in the background).
Perhaps I’m overacting, but my eyes aren’t allergic to many things in the way that they were to this collection. If a guy presented me with anything that looked like this, I’d be like:
a. Are you a primate?
b. Are you blind?
c. Do you have a caveman club and rope hidden behind your back to choke and knock me out if I don’t accept this creepy piece of suggestive jewelry?
d. Or do you just have zero taste?
Tiffany’s had one necklace that slightly resembled a knot, but the genius marketers over there were smart enough to make it a. symmetrical b. silver without jewels and c. to call it the ‘infinity necklace,’ NEVER mentioning the world ‘knot,’ thus avoiding all the possession and strangling metaphors that actively come with a visual of an Everlon off-center diamonded, suffocating in a noose-like silver.
And isn’t it a fact discovered by the Greeks who build the Parthenon (and every scientist who has studied beauty since) that symmetry is the key to what the eye interprets as visually pleasing? Why would anyone go against that? Sure, maybe for a $50 off the shoulder blouse, but for a ring that’s a couple grand?
In sum, I’m sorry Evelon. I don’t care if through some miracle you have enough money to pay Taylor Swift to wear your jewelry sometimes; this knot stuff is just ugly from an aesthetic and symbolic view point.
December 11th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I couldn’t tell you why, but the last one seems like a piercing that belongs on someone’s penis.
December 15th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
yeah and their commercial sucks!!! people ice skating on a pond? stupid. But I think the Jane Seymour Open Hearts for Kay is even worse.
http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/category|10101|10001|-1|20514|15055|15055.20512.20514|Y?cm_sp=hp_espot-_-JSOH-_-website
just go to freaking Walmart already and buy their blood gold.
December 15th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
oopsies I’m new to life. you gotta copy and paste the whole website. i’m a donkey.
December 25th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Cynical attitudes are not a good starting point for finding a date let alone a serious relationship. Scoff at everything and see how far you get. Maybe a laugh or two, and a comment about how witty you are. But somehow all the laughter rings hollow.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:01 am
That’s still not nearly as bad as the kay jewelers commercials:
http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/category|10101|10001|-1|20514|15055|15055.20512.20514|Y?cm_sp=hp_espot-_-JSOH-_-website
Aside from being creepy, I’m revolted by the message to guys looking to save their loveless marriage who’s wife is probably driven into the arms of another man to, ‘just get her a diamond’, and she’ll want you and only you again.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Again, you have to copy and paste the whole thing.
Yaya, you’re not a donkey. MMB, what’s up with this ish?
December 28th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Lol, or I accidentally pasted the link I copied from yaya’s post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltA50HKyM14
That’s what I get for getting on my computer before coffee
January 6th, 2010 at 11:32 am
Uh Ooh. I think SuzyQ may have gotten a Knot ring. life shouldn’t be taken so seriously.