Oh, hello there! Welcome back from the holidays, a time of utter madness, wasteful spending, and failed attempts at productivity. Also, cookies.

So New Year’s 2009/10 has come and gone, and in my personal tradition, I didn’t make any resolutions. Is it because I simply didn’t think about it in advance, and didn’t plan? Is it because I, like a good American, was as trashed as possible when the clock struck midnight? Or is it because resolutions are stupid, pointless, and a great way to cause yourself undue stress and let yourself down. Yes, to all of those. As Homer Simpson once said, trying is the first step towards failure.

So to make myself feel better, I’ve come up with a list of resolutions I could’ve made, but would’ve been a complete waste of my time, seeing as there’s no way in holy hell I would’ve stuck to any of them.

Eat More Salad.

I want to take a moment to talk about salad. Salad is, quite possibly, the most impractical food ever for a single adult who lives alone and works full time. Consider this, salad companies: it only comes in packages meant to feed a large family of hungry rabbits, and I swear to freakin’ god, 99% of the time the stuff is already going bad and turning slimy in the grocery store. I think the shelf life for a package of salad is something like 30 minutes. There’s no way I’m going to be able to eat all that boring vegetation in one go, and I’ll be good and dead before I agree to eat days-old wilted leaves that’ve been hanging out in my fridge with that pudding that expired back in August.

Not to mention, it’s about as satisfying as eating the grass from my grandmother’s front lawn. Trust me, I know. And for all the hassle, that shit ain’t cheap! If I wasn’t sure the government was watching my every move, I’d just pick leaves off the trees outside, douse them in Windex, and have that for dinner! Ya know, salad companies, I can make a whole box of macaroni and cheese for about 1/10 the effort and cost involved in eating your stupid, perishable, expensive salad. I can think of nothing more pointless and depressing than purchasing and preparing a salad for one person. Though the good news is that human tears are probably my favorite dressing.

Exercise More.

Fuck this. I’m tired. Hasn’t someone invented a quick, easy, magic way around this yet?

Quit Smoking.

I already don’t smoke, so I guess I could stick to this one. It’s sort of cheating though.

Quit Sugar

Fuck naw! If there’s anything getting me through the day, it’s the promise of tomorrow morning’s bowl of Lucky Charms. We have to keep looking toward tomorrow, kids, when a cracked out cartoon leprechaun fixes us up with a veritable rainbow of fun-shaped marshmallows and, several years down the road, a corresponding rainbow of health problems including, but not limited to, type 2 diabetes.

Spend Less Time on Facebook

When you’ve got a desk job like I do, being on Facebook is like the same as breathing, in that, I can’t find a good reason not to. I wouldn’t say I’m a super active Facebook user, but am rather a super passive, lurky, “observant” Facebook user. And it’s not that I’m up to anything unsavory, but watching the idiocy that unfolds before your very eyes in a real time newsfeed is just too fantastic to ignore. It’s so good that there is at least one blog dedicated to exposing young people too retarded to realize that the internet is public talking to each other about their love caves and sad divorces And it is public. (So please stop using this as a channel to ask me to make out with you. It’s embarrassing for everyone.)

Be More Productive

You know, I’d really like to do this one. I’d like to write more, be funnier, and be more creative in my daily life, and work on projects that are actually stimulating and fun. I’d like to do something I can be proud of. But here’s the thing: I’m just so damn lazy. And you know what Christian Slater says: you can’t change who you are, no matter how much you drink.

Help The Homeless

I’ll help them when they help me. Like by being not stinky when they sit next to me on the subway, or by not playing half a broken saxaphone in my face when I’m trying to listen to my rich people music on my rich people MP3 player. Some people are just so selfish.

Read More (Things on the Internet Don’t Count)

I’m going to give this one a serious go. I really like reading (even books!) and know that if I did it more, it might make me funnier and more physically attractive. It’s hard to find a chance though, when the only time I don’t have a screen (TV & internet are superior to books, let’s not even joke) practically forcing itself upon me is when I ride the subway, and most of the time, some stinky guy is paying his half-sax in my face, making it hard to concentrate. My other option is to read in bed, so, I’ll really try to cram some more reading in time then. Until I get sleepy. Which is… right… about… now… zzzzz…

Get A Boob Job

The only thing in the way of this one is funds. Email me for information on where you can send a check.

Spend Less Money

I guess if I did this, I’d be one step closer to that boob job I so desperately need according to modern society’s standards of what a woman’s rack should look like, but truthfully, retail therapy is another of those little pleasures that keeps me from punching people in the face. Sometimes you have a shitty day or you’re just plain bored, so what better way to pass the time and improve your mood than with a few new fabulous (albeit poorly crafted and insanely cheap) items from Forever 21 or H&M? Sure the quality is about as shoddy as it gets above Canal Street, but fashion is so disposable anyway, it only makes sense to buy new clothes as often as you buy toilet paper. And books too. And DVDs. And groceries. And toilet paper.