SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

It is not as though I don’t believe in love at first site. In fact I am sure there are millions of happy couples out there who could prove me wrong, that all it takes is a glance and you “know”.

But for 25 desperate women to fly in from all across America to meet one guy, all explaining that they “knew” the minute they saw him….I mean, really?! Am I really supposed to fall for that? Well ABC is telling me, I am.

Let’s start with the craziest of the crazies on the show. Michelle. The office manager from Anaheim, California. Now this bitch is straight out of every Match.com man’s nightmare. The ‘I-Just-met-you-and-now-I-am-crazy-obsessed-and-want-to-marry-you kinda gal. (Don’t men just love that?)

ONE CRAZY B ROD

This lady not only CRIED in the first episode, (if I could explain why I would be the genesis of the crazies) but she even sat him down and mentioned the words ‘your wife’. Just a hint lady - telling a complete stranger you want to be ‘his wife’ is a tad-bit on the restraining order side of life.

CHILL-LAX lady friends! If you are in your late 20’s, and drop dead gorgeous, as most of them are, and still cannot find yourself a man-friend….well honey it is time to look and the mirror and ask yourself this…am I one crazy bitch? Have you hid outside of your pretend boyfriend’s house for so long you might as well have pitched a tent and cooked up a raccoon?…well then you need to re-think your idea of dating.

This entire house of women needs a new scented perfume titled ‘Desperation’. Because man, does it stink.

Stephanie, from Pittsburgh, PA, was psycho enough to bring her own flight attendant uniform to the show and promptly put it on when she saw Jake’s attention was elsewhere. Strutting over to him in the grandest one-man Halloween parade ever, she pulled him to her side and even offered him some ‘pilot’ lingo. Be damned is she the smartest teacher ever?! Well, maybe not, considering she went on to tell him she was 2 credits shy of her PhD…now correct me if I am wrong here, but aren’t most courses 4 credits each? And if you were that close why would you not be ‘currently’ enrolled in classes? Something smells fishy in her baggage area. She does remind me of a good friend from home though…beautiful and yet crazy as a bat cave filled with meth.

First eliminated were the usual uglies (meaning beautiful compared to most people, but too ugly for a national TV show) including Emily the emo/goth chick with black hair and a space between her teeth for ‘character’…..and ‘Kimberly’ the 24 year old NBA Dancer…to which my boyfriend replied, “Wait, SHE’S a dancer?!”

Ali, the little blond from Massachusetts did receive a rose, but that trip she made up the stairs in the backyard didn’t do her any good. Way to fall over your own dress, because I am sure Jake doesn’t already think you are the idiot in a be-dazzled gown. After she recovered she exclaimed, “I am going to keep this rip in my dress forever!” To which I could only think, why yes, of course you will keep that rip, because where will you take that God-awful canary colored dress to be fixed? At the be-dazzled store for 12 year olds and soccer moms named Bonnie?

Now if she had really gone down and busted her knee or received an MCL tear, I might have been impressed.

Channy is the boldest bitch of the group, who in her first alone time with the bachelor promptly told him, “You can land your plane on my landing strip any day”. Now, there are 3million ways in the world to be discreet…and this ain’t one of them. But way to go lady, no one in America thinks you are a hoe, don’t worry. Only the viewers.

There is Elizabeth from Nebraska and Elizabeth from DC…The first is a huge football player and the second, a Captain in the Air National Guard. And if we must go even further they both have quite large manly hands, and I am fairly certain they hooked up with each other during the commercial breaks before they grabbed an Indigo Girls CD and hit the road.

WHERE’S MY ANI CD?!

As Jake eliminated 15 women last night, each proceeded to cry into the camera, “But I had a feeling this was GOING SOMEWHERE!”

Going somewhere? You met the man for two minutes! Where the fuck was it “going”?! I have had longer relationships with a bowl of macaroni.

Jake overall seems like a nice, down to earth guy. The kind of guy other men might call, ‘a pussy’. Which is perfect for this group of stalker women who will soon be trying to rip their finger nails down his back for shreds of his DNA under their fingernails. And Cheers to that! Cannot wait for next week’s episode!