SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

So yesterday at about 7:30pm I was riding the F train home from work.

At one stop, a family got on with about six bags of groceries from Whole Foods. They each got a seat, although not right next to each other. This family was clearly doing pretty well for themselves, what with the bulk of expensive and fancy food they were trucking home and their clean, well-dressed appearances.

Then something strange happened. The woman pulled out a baguette and ripped a piece off. I thought, okay, she’s hungry, she’s just gonna snack on a piece of bread. That’s not too weird. Then she pulled out a bag of deli cheese from the groceries.

She proceeded the split the baguette and make a fucking sandwich on the goddamn subway. She handled cheese in the subway with her bare hands. What the fuck is going on here? Is this woman absolutely insane? She doesn’t look insane.

She then handed the sandwich to her husband who was sitting in a seat opposite her, across the aisle. These people appeared to be in good health and social standing (despite the husband’s slightly creepy mustache and oddly positioned hat), and not at all starving to the point that would justify level 1 food prep on public transportation. The guy started eating the sandwich.

Nomnomnom.

Now I, like most people, am guilty of eating on the subway. Sometimes you’re really really hungry and you’re rushed or busy, so you’re left with no option but to dig into a bag of Fritos or some chicken nuggets or something on the train. It’s unfortunate, but it happens. But to be one heating element from plain old cooking is just wrong. Raw ingredients have no place in a subterranean transit system.

Then the woman tore off another piece of baguette, split it, and made herself a cheese sandwich, however this one was provolone and I think her husband’s was swiss. At this point I was having a total panic attack.

Why are these people making sandwiches on the subway?? Another odd thing was that while the two adults ate their filthy, dirty, publicly-made cheese sandwiches, the child of the family, probably about 12, sat there stoically and without food. What is wrong with these people? Are they aliens in some kind of 3rd Rock From the Sun scenario?

Can they only eat while in motion? I was completely bewildered and horrified. Utterly, utterly horrified. Are they aware that people masturbate on the subway? And shit there? I’m not saying that’s right, but neither is making cheese sandwiches!

I’ve seen some crazy shit in the subway but never anything like this. And at least those other crazies had the courtesy to look crazy and dispel any doubt about the caliber of their mental faculties, leaving me with a feeling of comfort and reassurance. “Yes, you are crazy. You may continue.”