SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Subway Cheese

So yesterday at about 7:30pm I was riding the F train home from work. At one stop, a family got on with about six bags of groceries from Whole Foods. They each got a seat, although not right next to each other. This family was clearly doing pretty well for themselves, what with the bulk of [...]

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Resolutions I Don’t Intend to Keep

Oh, hello there! Welcome back from the holidays, a time of utter madness, wasteful spending, and failed attempts at productivity. Also, cookies. So New Year’s 2009/10 has come and gone, and in my personal tradition, I didn’t make any resolutions. Is it because I simply didn’t think about it in advance, and didn’t plan? Is it [...]

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THAT Guy

We recently hired a new second receptionist (I am the first, and senior, receptionist) at my job, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn’t exactly got me thrilled. Let me tell you why. This guy is one of those guys. This guy is so fucking cheerful all the time you’d think he eats fucking rainbows and cotton [...]

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Date Ends With Both Parties Alive And Unraped

So it’s been over a week since I first posted about my unbelievable connection with a guy I saw in a bar and then later advertised for on the internet. Since then, we’ve been on two (and a half) dates. Let me start this off by saying I haven’t been on a real “date” (like first [...]

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Beards, You Are Dismissed

In the continuing saga of deciding what I do and do not like in a guy, I came up with one superficial characteristic that is pretty much a deal-breaker right from the start: unruly facial hair. Let me start by saying the following is strictly my personal preference. I’m not a big fan of facial hair [...]

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The Case of the Missed Connection

So now that I’m single, I’m basically back to being 13 years old and boy crazy. I’m not sure why, especially when I’ve taken on this singledom specifically as a means to “find myself” and grow as a person and all that Dr. Phil crap. Maybe it’s because I just love guys. I love the [...]

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You Seem Like Very Nice Girls, But Please Get The Hell Away From Me

A few months ago I was taking my lunch break in beautiful Bryant Park and had just scored a sweet spot to sit and read when these two college-aged girls approached me. “Can I ask you a question?” asked the Asian one, with a slight accent. “Yeah okay,” I said, not thrilled to have my [...]

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Life on a Diet

Let me begin by saying, being a woman sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t enjoy many things about being a girl, things like makeup and clothes and pretty pink ponies, because I do (except the ponies.) It’s just that it seems in today’s modern world and in a city like New [...]

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Stickergate

So get this. I have this friend, let’s call her, Anna. A few weeks ago, Anna was on a relaxing beach vacation with her family: parents, aunts, cousins, the whole gang. Including her brother and her brother’s wife, who we will refer to as Carrie. To get to the beach, Anna rode down in a car [...]

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Hi! I’m In… Delaware.

Okay so last night, while on my family vacation week at the gay capital of the East Coast (Rehoboth Beach, DE) I got very drunk on vanilla vodka and Dr. Pepper and decided to go out looking for trouble. Afterwards, I came home and wrote about it (while still very drunk.) This morning, I thought [...]

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