SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

An Ok Exchange

In my endless pursuit to find entertainment on the internet, I’ve been reduced to joining the free and popular among the youth dating site OkCupid. About 15 seconds after signing up and entering some rudimentary interests and uploading a single picture, I realized this was a terrible mistake. My screen was immediately being ass-raped by [...]

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Conversations I Fantasize About Having With Non-Family Members

Guy Friend Who Has Lame Girlfriend Me: Hey dude, your girlfriend is really lame. She can’t hang at all. Friend: Do you think I should break up with her? Me: Yes. Immediately. Friend: Okay. Good idea. I’m calling her now. ….Want to make out? Me: Yes. Stupid Silly Bitches Me: Hey guys, do you mind if I put on a [...]

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Defining Your Type

While having girl talk (about boys, naturally) one of my friends recently asked me what my type was. I had been pondering this myself lately, and had decided that my “type” was pretty simple: attractive and interesting, and able to make me laugh. While most girls can get pretty specific about their criteria for a [...]

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I’m Back, Bitches!

Hey everyone, sorry for my gross, disgusting, seemingly neverending leave of absence from the site. I went through a lot of personal changes (dealing with my developing body, hair in new places, puberty, etc.) and felt it would be best that I keep all my crazy shit to myself for a little bit. But now [...]

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Fortune Teller

So in addition to being able to dispense award-winning dating advice and being irresistibly charming (sometimes both at once!), I’m also able to see into the future. Yes, that’s right, I’m a psycho - I mean… psychic. Just like the creepy-looking wizard from my favorite childhood game, Ask Zandar. Yeah, I’m not really sure how [...]

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A Week in Haiku

Zack & Miri Make A Porno Seth Rogen, I smile But fake titties and man ass Bring much vomiting Shake Shack Greasy cheeseburger And marshmallow ice cream shake Haunt my dreams nightly Vol de Nuit Belgian Beer Bar Beer tastes metallic Booze, costs eight dollars, no good Red lighting scares me Ess-a-Bagel Sweet bagel angels Deliver doughy daily Delicious cream cheese BUST Magazine Good reads for women Always period stories Learn your vagina Kush Lounge Hookah [...]

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Lessons Unlearned

I’m the kind of person that never learns their lesson. Though I am well aware that eating certain foods will make me feel like some kind of monster that is the assembly of many different, mismatched human body parts and then shocked to life by a lightning bolt, I continue to ingest them. Known foods that [...]

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The Crush Collector

So. I think by now it’s pretty obvious that I am an extremely charming and attractive individual, and everyone who reads this blog is in love with me. …. If you couldn’t tell that was sarcasm, you need to wake the fuck up. Alright alright, harshness aside, I think it should be clear, without even knowing me [...]

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Get Your Crossbows - It’s Tourist Season

So after a cripplingly cold winter, that pussy “global warming” has finally decided to show it’s face in the form of some skin-blistering 90-degree April days and the neverending Mister Softee song outside my window. About fucking time! As much as I love the onset of warm weather in New York, it also brings with it [...]

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How To Get An Apartment

Here’s a real email I just wrote to a broker regarding an ad for an apartment on Craig’s List that I want but definitely can’t afford: Hi Dave, I just saw your listing for the AWESOME apartment on Court St at Dean, and must say, your use of the word “awesome” seemed quite fitting. I certainly appreciate [...]

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