-Credit Card Debt (even more fun while it lasted)

-Reading PerezHilton (I assume old people read People.com?)

-Sleepovers with girlfriends (I went to one in 2009 and spent the entire night wishing I could just put in my mouth guard and watch Chronicle)

-My collection of InTouch Weekly. (Some people have book collections – tomAto, tomato)

-My collection of extensive tanning products (one-step-at-a-time-for-an-ex-Snookie)

-My collection of extensive business cards (most of these people don’t even have jobs anymore)

-The words ‘like’, ‘stoked’ and ‘obvi’ from my vocabulary

-Impulse gift-with-purchase buying (If Clinque offered me a free trial mascara if I purchase $500 worth of products…I would probably do it) (Obvi!)

 

-Pretending like I am really busy with a ‘work assignment’ whenever my parents call

-Facebook

Ok, well maybe not Facebook. I mean, let’s start with one thing at a time.

-

He made some mean, non politically correct comments, offensive not just to women, and people have now tarnished him to the gates of hell.

Once again, I do not agree with what he said.

However I can appreciate that he was just trying to get down and dirty and tell the reporter in a very causal dude-to-dude style what was on his chest.

Honesty has become a devalued quality when it comes to the public media attention it might get. There is not one person reading this right now that won’t admit to speaking ‘differently’ when with friends or family, than they do when they are with outsiders. When and where did this filter on our mouths appear? And is it really so wrong to simply say what you think? Regardless of wrong or right?

Was my grandmother right? Should I just shut my mouth if I have nothing nice to say? And if so, then how the hell am I going to go through life as a mute?!

Why can’t people simply have bad thoughts or bad ideas in their head? Why did we expect anything more from this uneducated songwriter? I certainly expected nothing less.

I may not agree with everything written or spoken by someone…but I can appreciate that is simply how they feel. Why must we strive for ORAL PERFECTION? Why must everything out of our mouths be PC, loving, kind and respectful? Because, the majority of the time. It is not.

In my own comedic writings I offend people ALL THE TIME. In fact, I don’t consider the article to be even slightly funny if not at least one person becomes enraged. People use humor to hide behind possible a feeling or an idea they are really thinking. As most people know I make fun of children consistently in my articles. Does this mean that deep down I hate children?…..ahh well, probably yes. They are dirty. And smelly. And can’t even tie their Goddamn shoes! What’s to like?

As a county we have become obsessed with having mouth filters on everything and anything we say or write. Especially the conservative half. Any book written by Sarah Palin or Laura Ingrahm is ripped apart as more or less word from the devil. And whether these women are right or not is not my point. My point is people get so up in arms about them. You would think the person on the other end of the computer commenting online was having a small heart attack.

How about the phrase, “Well, at least we know how they feel.”? I would enjoy that more. Being able to say or write something without wayward attack of whether it offends someone or not. People aren’t nice and mean shit comes out millions of mouths a day. And most of that shit is said in the privacy of one’s own home.

But is that necessary? Or should we start owning up to our own un-nice thoughts?

As I got to the back page, there was the typical ’sex’ ad, whether for an enhancer or toy, I have no clue, in fact the actual product they were advertising for was no where listed in the photo, there was however a clear explanation of sex; A busty woman, naked except for a small purple G-string, with her arms around a chiseled well-oiled man. There was only one clear item though that stood out to me (and get your minds out of the gutter here)…the wedding rings. Oh yes, of course they had to be MARRIED. In fact the wedding ring on the woman was on the wrong hand, deducing ‘mirror image’ technicalities the ring was actually on her right hand, because the left was was busy pulling on his…um..hair? Eh, maybe not hair, but you get the idea.

Regardless, I suspect this ad would not have been printed had the rings not been in plain reader’s site. Her hand was blatantly exposed as the large diamond shined to perfection.

What is with American commercials bringing us back to the days of Lucy and Ricky Ricardo?  Have you ever noticed a bedroom set ad? If there is a man and woman on the bed enjoying their mattress, I guarantee their wedding rings are in plain site. There is a familiar mattress ad with a woman in a pink slip (I don’t think so) spooning her husband (I might vomit) as her and her large wedding ring (starting to sweat) rub his arm (pass me the trash can).  

Even a company as ‘liberated’ as KY hosts all commercials to the straight and married clans of America. KY Intense? Married. KY Intrigue? Married. KY Gay-Man-Sex-In-A-Steam-Room-Rub?  Married. (And Straight). Even the ‘Explosion’ ads, more likely to draw boys of the 19-23 persuasion…all married.

I have yet to find one bedroom, lube , mattress or even sheet ad that contains a couple without wedding rings on their fingers.

Now I understand my parent’s generation would be slightly disturbed at an ad of two single people enjoying their new  mattress…but it is also due in part to that fact that living in sin is still considered…well, living in sin. Regardless of the fact that most of us are doing it. And by “it’ i simply mean, living together.

Even the yogurt ads are to blame, ever see the woman on the phone to her friend about her delicious new ‘treats’ in the fridge (which is actually yogurt, oh the HIGH-larity)…she is married.The man whom she calls ‘Babe’ who is in the background searching through the fridge like a doofus…is of course her husband, huge shiny wedding band and all.

In fact 10 percent of all cohabitation couples are ‘unmarried’. So for every 9 couples there is one unmarried couple, whom is not welcome to look at a set of mattress without the appropriate bling.

I would like to finally see a commerical with something different. How about an unmarried hipster couple, playing slowly on their guitars with Nader stickers? Or maybe a yogurt selling gay couple who always eat their “boysenberries” ? Just saying. It is time for advertisers to wake up and realize, living in sin, is no longer sinful. In fact it is more financially acceptable and if you would like to be apart of that additional finance, then please include us in your commercials.

How about iSlate?

iTablet?

iTab?

iPage?

Ok, so I get it. Fine. You win Mr. Jobs. We will go with ‘iPad’ for now.

But I ask you, where is my iPAP in all of this? Will there be a certain ‘time of the month’ when the computer fully shuts down, stops functioning normally and continuously reverts back to the last web page with a very sensitive Downy commercial in it? Will it tell me to ‘shut up’ and that I ‘just don’t understand’ or ask me to ‘stop calling it fat’ …it is, after all, ‘stalky’ you know!

What happens when I piss (iPiss?) off the iPad? Will it tell me to go to hell and throw a glass of wine in my face? Or maybe even complain that its corduroy cover doesn’t fit anymore and how if maybe , just maybe, I paid it a bit more attention, that it would function without short circuiting?

Furthermore I worry that this iPad will not be able to keep all my data contained in one area? Is there security to protect against leaks? How about data overflows? How would one even describe the dataflow? Moderate? Heavy? Very heavy? How long do upsets usually last? 3-5 days, or longer?

Should I go on?

And frankly, it is starting to feel damn good. I was feeling the dry skin just dusting off my legs last week, when all I could think was, “You know what would help me protect my skin from flaking off this winter? Hair. Lots and lots of hair.”

What is the stigma attached with women not shaving? That I also must love Ani (which I do) and wear Cargo pants (mainly I don’t). There is also the idea that I have given up on my lady’ness pampering… and on being feminine in general.  

I remember one very single, lonely winter of ’06 not shaving for months at a time. And being that I also didn’t frequent the gym, there was no one there to notice, nor care. Now that I live with my boyfriend and also spend many hours cursing out a certain Elipitical Machine, I feel the pressure to keep my hair in check.

I despise men for this reason. My boyfriend can go weeks without shaving his face, grow a scruff and people come around like my Mom saying that it makes him look ‘sexy’. Well guess what, my unshaven legs are not appearing oh-so-sexy at the moment…mainly they look like they are about to go hike up a rain forest to try and save a tree with a dying breed of moth in it.

To not shave as a women, is a skill, mainly of deceit and deception. Appearing lady-like on the outside, while growing a large tumbleweed underneath it all.

To not shave you must following a certain amount of rules:

- Be single…. like really single….i.e. sitting at home alone on a Friday night watching Anne of Green Gables in your Snuggie with wine stains on it kinda single.

- Wear pants at all times. You can’t wind up in yoga class in booty shorts in Downward Dog pose if you know what I mean.

- For the love of Christ, forget that you own a tank top.

-  You cannot travel anywhere warm. Vacation in the tropics? Forget it. Plane trip to Miami? Only if you plan on being a dolphin trainer in a full-body wetsuit all day.

-  Thick tights are your friend. Remember the ones you wore when you were little that used to pill up right near the crotch area and made you want to rip them off after about 20 minutes on the Lion See-Saw? Invest in lots of those.

But for 25 desperate women to fly in from all across America to meet one guy, all explaining that they “knew” the minute they saw him….I mean, really?! Am I really supposed to fall for that? Well ABC is telling me, I am.

Let’s start with the craziest of the crazies on the show. Michelle. The office manager from Anaheim, California. Now this bitch is straight out of every Match.com man’s nightmare. The ‘I-Just-met-you-and-now-I-am-crazy-obsessed-and-want-to-marry-you kinda gal. (Don’t men just love that?)

ONE CRAZY B ROD

This lady not only CRIED in the first episode, (if I could explain why I would be the genesis of the crazies) but she even sat him down and mentioned the words ‘your wife’. Just a hint lady - telling a complete stranger you want to be ‘his wife’ is a tad-bit on the restraining order side of life.

CHILL-LAX lady friends! If you are in your late 20’s, and drop dead gorgeous, as most of them are, and still cannot find yourself a man-friend….well honey it is time to look and the mirror and ask yourself this…am I one crazy bitch? Have you hid outside of your pretend boyfriend’s house for so long you might as well have pitched a tent and cooked up a raccoon?…well then you need to re-think your idea of dating.

This entire house of women needs a new scented perfume titled ‘Desperation’. Because man, does it stink.

Stephanie, from Pittsburgh, PA, was psycho enough to bring her own flight attendant uniform to the show and promptly put it on when she saw Jake’s attention was elsewhere. Strutting over to him in the grandest one-man Halloween parade ever, she pulled him to her side and even offered him some ‘pilot’ lingo. Be damned is she the smartest teacher ever?! Well, maybe not, considering she went on to tell him she was 2 credits shy of her PhD…now correct me if I am wrong here, but aren’t most courses 4 credits each? And if you were that close why would you not be ‘currently’ enrolled in classes? Something smells fishy in her baggage area. She does remind me of a good friend from home though…beautiful and yet crazy as a bat cave filled with meth.

First eliminated were the usual uglies (meaning beautiful compared to most people, but too ugly for a national TV show) including Emily the emo/goth chick with black hair and a space between her teeth for ‘character’…..and ‘Kimberly’ the 24 year old NBA Dancer…to which my boyfriend replied, “Wait, SHE’S a dancer?!”

Ali, the little blond from Massachusetts did receive a rose, but that trip she made up the stairs in the backyard didn’t do her any good. Way to fall over your own dress, because I am sure Jake doesn’t already think you are the idiot in a be-dazzled gown. After she recovered she exclaimed, “I am going to keep this rip in my dress forever!” To which I could only think, why yes, of course you will keep that rip, because where will you take that God-awful canary colored dress to be fixed? At the be-dazzled store for 12 year olds and soccer moms named Bonnie?

Now if she had really gone down and busted her knee or received an MCL tear, I might have been impressed.

Channy is the boldest bitch of the group, who in her first alone time with the bachelor promptly told him, “You can land your plane on my landing strip any day”. Now, there are 3million ways in the world to be discreet…and this ain’t one of them. But way to go lady, no one in America thinks you are a hoe, don’t worry. Only the viewers.

There is Elizabeth from Nebraska and Elizabeth from DC…The first is a huge football player and the second, a Captain in the Air National Guard. And if we must go even further they both have quite large manly hands, and I am fairly certain they hooked up with each other during the commercial breaks before they grabbed an Indigo Girls CD and hit the road.

WHERE’S MY ANI CD?!

As Jake eliminated 15 women last night, each proceeded to cry into the camera, “But I had a feeling this was GOING SOMEWHERE!”

Going somewhere? You met the man for two minutes! Where the fuck was it “going”?! I have had longer relationships with a bowl of macaroni.

Jake overall seems like a nice, down to earth guy. The kind of guy other men might call, ‘a pussy’. Which is perfect for this group of stalker women who will soon be trying to rip their finger nails down his back for shreds of his DNA under their fingernails. And Cheers to that! Cannot wait for next week’s episode!

WISH LIST

Item 1-  The ability to know where all items in my closet are, without having to excavate:

Seriously, where the fuck is that gray pullover sweater?I swear to the Gods of Banana Republic I can’t find that thing to save my life. I know I washed it and put it away, but every time I pull apart the closet hanger by hanger it is nowhere to be found. And I end up sitting in a pile of clothes wishing Alicia Silverstone’s maid in Clueless ‘Lucy’ would come rescue me.

Item 2- For Miley Cyrus to get fat, find meaning in life, and quite singing songs like Party in the USA:

I mean, did you see that YouTube clip where she confesses she has never heard a Jay Z song before?! Never even heard one, yet she is singing about him as though she’s his and Beyonce’s love child?! I don’t care that she has a tattoo under her left breast, or that she dated a Jonas Brother, or even that my boyfriend would trade me and both of his pinkie toes to meet her…I simply want her gone.

Item 3- For my Microsoft Word spell check to get WITH THE TIMES and stop trying to correct the word “Beyonce” to “ Bayonet”:

What the hell is a bayonet anyway? Hey guess what Microsoft? This is 2009 not 1861 in the middle of a Civil War…. I am not writing about bayonets you piece of crap spell check. 

Item 4-  To never have to do laundry ever again:

I don’t know how this is possible, but there must be a way. This whole washer-dryer phenomenon must end someday soon, as we  perfect something better…what about a steam machine that just steams the bacteria and sweat out of your clothes in one second? I keep thinking back to my favorite infomercial, the Steam Shark, where you can steam clean pretty much anything and everything! For only 3 easy payments of $39.99!

Item 5- A never ending transportation pass:

I want a lifetime pass for subway/bus/cab. Yes, that is right, the miracle pass for people who have had enough with paying for a cab here, a bus ride, a subway transfer whenever . If  you plan on living in a city area for on or close to the rest of your life and need to simply ‘get around’ there should be an all-in-one lifetime pass that is taken out from your taxes each year…. Or shall I say, taken out from some rich person’s taxes each year…the way God intended.

*Also, would like to add a separate ‘ Cabbie cannot wear head bandanadas, sweat bands, or listen to STYX at 6am on the way to the airport’ clause to my pass.

Item 6 – For people to stop using the God awful words ‘Blogger’ and ‘Social Media Expert’:

How about simply ‘writer’ ….and ‘pox marked faced 35 year old virgin’? …I feel those are more self explanatory.

Sleeping Pet Actually “Breathes”

This is J Lo.

Jennifer Lopez for the older crowd here.

She is out, running errands.

Now pardon me, but I feel like something is missing from this photograph….something missing…hmmm her skeletal husband? No, that’s not it. Her babies? No, that isn’s it either. Let me think….

Oh, right…sweatpants! For the love of all that is holy, where the hell are her sweatpants and running sneakers?! How do you do errands in those heels? I can barely walk from my house to a personal limo in anything over 1 inch made by Aerosoles,  let alone peruse an entire mall for Holiday gifts.

Lady needs to jump into something made of durable Cotton STAT….with a Dunkin Donuts coffee in one hand and a look of disgust and resentment for the holidays on her face.

I mean really, tis the season for sweatpants and crappy attitudes. Common J LO! Read the memos I send you!

——————————————————-

Dear Miss Blessing,

I am sorry, remind me where we met again? An online site for crazies? At a homeless bipolar petition sign up? Maybe we met on that cruise for people learning about the damaging effects of dopamine enhancers?

Let me tell you a little story Miss Blessing. When I was eight years old I had a pen pal from a school out in California. Let’s just call this pen pal ”Rob” (mostly because that was his actual name). Well Rob sent me his class photo after ten weeks of letters only for me to discover this “Rob” was actually  the oldest second grader around, sporting a full mustache and knuckle tattoo.

I would like to not repeat the ‘Rob’ incident here.

I see you like ‘trust’, ‘honesty’ and ‘hope’. Well funny that you say that Miss Blessing, because I actually don’t care for any of the above. I find that ‘honesty’ never works in any friendship. Being dishonest is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship and sense of self worth. I myself prefer terms such as “belittle” and “beat-down”.  And as far as Trust and hope go…well let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

Mainly though I would like to know what “profile” of mine you have come across. Was this the one I posted in Biker Chicks Monthly? Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have used Christy Brinkley’s photo instead of my own. Truth be told, if there were other profiles of me somewhere on this thing we call the “World Wide Web” I would certainly like to know. What does it say in this alleged profile? Am I attractive? Because if so, then it’s all true.

Sincerely yours,

Ponderings Chick