SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Forest Hills State of Mind

I’ve lived in the Forest Hills/Rego Park area for about six years and, for the most part, I’ve enjoyed it. Sure, I could do without the dog shit ALL OVER the sidewalk, and it might be nice to have just one neighbor who spoke English and wasn’t afraid of me and Boyfriend, but it’s my [...]

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Black Eyed Peas Tonight and How Posting Videos can Get You Banned from Clubs

A few things I forgot to mention in my last post. Last Friday, Real World Road Rules was at Johnny Utah’s and this upcoming Friday at Johnny Utah’s we will have a playboy playmate hosting the event. YEP it’s ON BOYS… This coming Friday at Roam the woman who sings the song “ma lips like sugaaaa” [...]

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Sex, Why Bother?

Last week’s article was called Dating, Why Bother? Now I’m on antibiotics, not just Theraflu and it’s yielded even crazier results. It somehow got my friend and me talking about how it might be best to not have sex with anyone you actually like. It sounds like a voyage on the Crazy Train, I know. The premise [...]

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Top Ten Relationships Better Left in 2008

1. Any kind of MP3 player that is not an Apple. 2. That guy you run into with a puzzled look on your face, (because you still can’t remember how or why you met) who you enjoy calling while wasted post 3 am. Delete that number. 3. [...]

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Haggling Your Way to Love

Newsflash: You can handle your love life like hostile business merger. It’s almost 2009, and Facebook, snapfish, aSmallWorld and MySpace have increased dating complexity to the point of absurdity. These days it’s more about text message finesse, emoticons and online stalking than face time. More relationships fail, and fail quickly, thanks to the fast-paced, [...]

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Friends with the Ex

Ever heard the quip, ”Business before pleasure?” It’s this mindset that somehow keeps me friendly with exes, even if I want to murder them Chainsaw Massacre style. Call me a two-faced, manipulative person, but it results in lasting friendships even after the bouts of lust and wonderfulness have long faded. Confused? The timeline goes something [...]

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Textual Relationships

On my list of things that need to stop, right up there with ‘spitting’ and ‘toothpaste residue in the sink,’ sits the textual relationship. An occasional, ‘Hi you,’ or ‘Thinking of you,’ text is okay coming from your boyfriend or someone you’re in a pseudo-relationship with. What’s not okay is texting with no specific purpose other [...]

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Top Ten Reasons to Bring in the New Year with Your Best Friend Instead of Your Significant Other

Freaking out about New Year’s vacation plans yet? Begin. It’s December 3rd. I started panicking awhile ago, yet still haven’t accomplished anything. My inability to achieve a stable relationship over the summer means I’ll be welcoming the New Year with my best friend instead of a boyfriend. Don’t worry, I’m excited about it. Below are my top [...]

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Pet Names: Dangerous and Potentially Harmful

You’re falling in love. Gross. Romance somehow turns those of us that swear like truck drivers and cackle at cinematic happy endings into people who use words like ‘muffin cake’ and ‘baby bear’ when addressing our significant other. How exactly this happens remains a mystery. There are however, clear relationship side effects to speaking like [...]

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Delayed Out of Nowhere Depression

This past weekend I was a victim of DOND (Delayed Out of Nowhere Depression). I’m still not entirely sure I’ve survived. DOND takes a sneak-attack, python-strong grip on your being. You often won’t know what hit you. All you will know is that words like ‘rehab,’ ‘a straight jacket,’ and ‘mental clinics’ suddenly sound like a [...]

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