SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

The Reason You Should NOT Be Nice to People

When I was walking home from the Sephora in my neighborhood on Saturday, a youngish woman stopped me and asked me if I knew of a place close by to buy a blender. I directed her to the nearest Bed Bath & Beyond, when she, for reasons unknown, started to tell me all about how [...]

Continue reading...

Married to The Job

This past Sunday, Boyfriend received a scolding e-mail from his boss, which I found ludicrous. In this e-mail, which he was reading on his Droid, which he was required to get when taking on this job, asking why he had not replied to an e-mail from their client that was sent earlier in the weekend. [...]

Continue reading...

For the Love of God, Take a Sick Day

This past weekend, I came down with a vicious cold. And I don’t just mean you’re usual run-of-the-mill cold either. I’m talking swine flu-like symptoms cold . . . or what I would imagine having the swine flu would be like if I ever had it or knew anyone who did. My nose was like [...]

Continue reading...

THAT Guy

We recently hired a new second receptionist (I am the first, and senior, receptionist) at my job, and to be perfectly honest, it hasn’t exactly got me thrilled. Let me tell you why. This guy is one of those guys. This guy is so fucking cheerful all the time you’d think he eats fucking rainbows and cotton [...]

Continue reading...

Dear Starbucks,

Seasons Greetings! There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, and it has gone overlooked and ignored for far too long. Why does Starbucks have the worst employees ever?? They’re forgetful (I’ve often received the wrong order, or just never received my orderer at all because a Starbucks employee “forgot” it.), and they’re slow as [...]

Continue reading...

What Happened to Common Courtesy??

As my regular readers have probably picked up on by now, I have a lot to say about other people’s rude/obnoxious/incompetent/disgusting behavior and today is no exception, because today I tackle the topic of “common courtesy” and what the hell has happened to it. And I’m not talking about people who aren’t courteous on the [...]

Continue reading...

American Girl Introduces “Homeless Gwen” Doll

Remember when you were little and you wanted to grow up and be just like Barbie (or date Barbie)?  Because Barbie was perfect. She had perfect hair. Perfect skin. Always had the perfect job. And of course, the perfect boyfriend.  Well American Girl took one look one look at these little girls and thought, “You know what [...]

Continue reading...

Strange Dreams Dissected

Last night/this morning I had some very strange dreams. I’m not really sure what provoked such strangeness, except that maybe it was the high-quality Beringer’s white merlot (did you know such a thing existed?!) I drank before bed. Anyway, the dreams went something like this . . . I’m on line at a grocery store with [...]

Continue reading...

Moms Moms Moms

This conversation I can only refer to as being a ‘typical’ conversation with my mother.  Monday of last week- I tell my mother I will be in the city for a friend’s birthday all weekend. Tuesday- My mother calls to ask when I will be coming over to see her that weekend, I re-explain the birthday. Thursday- My [...]

Continue reading...

A Muffin Top for Men

The other day, a co-worker came to me with an important question, because he knows that I am very wise. He asked, “You know how girls are referred to as having ‘muffin tops’ when their fat is visibly sticking out of their shirts? Well, what do you call a man when his fat is popping [...]

Continue reading...