SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Using The Internet As It Was Meant To Be Used

Want to know the kinds of people who I choose to ignore? People who don’t use the Internet correctly (if you are over the age of 40 that goes without a doubt)…. I ignore people in their 20’s who do sinful things against God…such as not having a Facebook page. What is wrong with you people? I [...]

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Kim and Devin: A Male Blogger and A Female Blogger Discuss- Dating, Sex, and Build-A-Bear

KIM: So Devin, being that you are qualified to answer all questions regarding men… as you technically are a man and have all the right parts and what not..at least I am assuming…I was curious..Why is is that you think women always fall for guys who don’t like them? You always hear about women trying [...]

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Dear Michael-My-Face-Is-Fucked-Phelps; I Have Some Advice For You

  I have only two words for you, Michael-My-Face-Is-Fucked-Phelps   GET BETTER FRIENDS.   Seriously Dude. When you want to go just hit the Care Bear Cloud sometimes, why don’t you do it with people who aren’t going to rat you out worse than Linda Tripp on a cookie dough ice cream and secrets night?   I mean who are these douchebags who [...]

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The Long Haul

It happens every time. I am about four blocks away from my apartment, when the drug store bag begins to sag and I can feel the plastic handles stretch to an unfathomable size. And I know if I don’t haul ass, I am going to end up with 20lbs worth of drug store supplies littering the [...]

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Kim’s Superbowl Cliff Notes: Part 1

  - Superbowl 2009 will take place on a Sunday, the day of “Jesus” -There are two teams playing, one is the Bird, one is The Primary Color Stars -The Primary Colors team have a good ‘defense’, which essentially is like having Kelly coming to the bars with you when you know you wont be able to get [...]

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I Will Give Kidney for Two Obama Tickets for Tonight’s Speech

I will give you a KIDNEY for 2 OBAMA Tickets for tonights speech! Date: 2009, 11:35AM MDT Are you in need of an extra kidney? Know of someone who needs one? I have 2 good kidneys which is a little excessive. Ill give you one of them for two tickets to tonight’s speech. I live in Denver and [...]

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A Husband in 90 Days

So I bought this book last week, ‘How to Find Love (a husband) in 90 Days’. And no, I was not embarrassed to be buying it. In fact I stood on the train and read it… cover facing forward. And it begins something like this: Do you go to work, go to the gym, come home and make dinner…and [...]

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A Tiny Update

Things I would rather be doing than my laundry right now:   Shoot small kittens in a back alley congregated by nuns.   Perform my own oral surgery using a hammer and utility tweezers.    Have sex with someone with a tiny penis         …actually, no, I take that last one back.        

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Dirty Water? mmm El Delicious-o!

When did the restaurant business decide to give me the option of clean water? Now in every restaurant across the 11 continents of the world, clean water is available everywhere…You can now order bottled, purified water to drink. I don’t want to drink clean water, in fact I don’t even want the option of clean [...]

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Sugar Mama

From: Anthony Stephenson To: Kim Forrest Date: Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 3:08 AM Subject: BUSINESS PROPOSAL Hello,  My name is Anthony Stephenson Esq. I am the attorney of Late Mrs. Esther Wood, who died in London UK. Before the death of my late client, she lodged huge amount of money $6,000,000.00 (Six million dollars). And she left behind [...]

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