SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Life according to plan

I know this may come to a shock to some of you (those  who don’t have the good fortune of knowing me intimately), but I am a just a tad neurotic. Well, that may be a bit of understatement. I’m actually pretty neurotic, bordering on full-blown OCD. But it’s really not as bad as it [...]

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The meaning of life

After 26 years of living, I think I have figured out the meaning of life, and it is not pretty. The meaning of life is . . . Work. I’ve been trying to deny it for some time now, but I really think that, unfortunately, work is the meaning of life. We work to make money, because [...]

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The Job Interview

Just to update everyone on my constantly changing and ever-so-exciting life, I am still unemployed, and still feeling, looking, and behaving like a lump of mashed potatoes. However, there have been some positive developments in the form of job interviews. I had one last Monday for a receptionist position, and I was contacted today for [...]

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“Faking It” to Your Advantage

So by now you’ve probably all surmised that I’m a bit of a basketcase. In fact, you’re probably wondering how I manage to hold down a job, a boyfriend and care for two adorable cats. Well, I’ll tell you all my secret for making it appear like I am keeping it all together, with a [...]

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Faking It: The Tale of a Tofu Dog (Part II)

Part one of this tale chronicled the beginning of my older sister’s party in our basement–an event made memorable by Tom Reynold’s phony wiener: a tofu dog from our refrigerator. The wiener, obviously fake after the initial double-take, but with an unsettlingly flesh-like hue, scared me off and I retreated to my room with no [...]

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Video Conferencing, Ruining People’s Lives

The New York Times is reading my mind, stealing article ideas from inside my head again. Videoconferencing has been a topic on my ‘to-rant’ list for sometime now and last week, NYT did an article about the resistance to video calls, an article which I can’t for the life of me now find despite how [...]

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The Long Haul

It happens every time. I am about four blocks away from my apartment, when the drug store bag begins to sag and I can feel the plastic handles stretch to an unfathomable size. And I know if I don’t haul ass, I am going to end up with 20lbs worth of drug store supplies littering the [...]

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Extreme Paranoia

My mind works in mysterious, often frightening, ways. Case in point: I am extremely paranoid. If someone is supposed to meet me somewhere at a certain time and they are late, I start to call their cell phone. Incessantly. And if they don’t answer, I automatically assume the worst. The person was in a car accident! [...]

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Roommate Relations, Chapter 5

What on earth could Chapter 5 be? you may ask. I’ve already covered roommates, roommates of the opposite sex, roommates of the SAME sex, roommates in large numbers, roommates in a house, roommates with a mouse, roommates in a box, roommates with a fox, etc etc. What could be left?! Living with pets.  Okay so I [...]

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Elevator Etiquette

Short, Stumpy Woman with Big Nose -UGH! Could this elevator move any slower? I’m going to be late for my appointment at the wig shop! I think I’ll go with blond and curly this time . . . . Balding Man with Glasses -1o’clock already? I’ve got to get to my meeting with Bob in accounting [...]

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