SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

My Morning Routine

Pretty much all my life I’ve been getting sh*t for taking so long to get ready in the mornings  for work (and pretty much any other time I’m getting ready to go somewhere) and I’m sick and tired of it for several reasons: I’m still always early and usually the first to arrive wherever I’m headed It [...]

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Fake? And I Don’t Mean The Boobage

Ok so this is a wax figure right? This is in Times Square where people get to take photos and stand next to the porn star with their mom in one hand and a Kodak Easy Share in the other…yes? What do you mean this photo is real? Those are real people standing there? But their skin is so [...]

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Skin Deep

So experiencing a man make love to my head wasn’t the only exciting thing that happened to me at my Thursday ‘girls night in’ evening at the Xac Anthony Salon and Spa. Here’s a little a secret about me: However obsessively paranoid I am about hair, hair cuts in the Bronx, good product and subtle [...]

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Cosmos, Blowouts, Martinis

It’s an accepted fact that Thursday is one of the hottest nights in the city – and now you’ll never need a place to pregame again. If you wake up Thursday morning realizing your hair smells like gym, don’t fear. The Xac Anthony Salon invites you to hang out at their chic Chelsea studio (complete [...]

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Metrosexuals Invading My Nail Salon

Some time ago, I wrote about metrosexuals – how I’m not attracted to them and why I think their stylish, effeminate selves should flattened by a grunting caveman operating a bulldozer. If the city’s metros could be contained in one big Ralph Lauren hybrid Whole Foods store, that’d be ideal, especially after what happened [...]

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I Can’t Be Beautiful Anymore

So here is the truth. I tried hard. Really hard. Spent years in fact, trying to look as close to mini-Barbie as possible. I bleached my hair. My teeth. Tanned. And took off every piece of hair on my body that wasn’t directly attached to my head. I invested in expensive makeup and expensive workout [...]

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“Man”…And The Essence Of Men’s Bathrooms

So here is the thing…have you ever seen a small handicapped child getting off of a bus, wearing an LLBean backpack that weighs more than they do…and then watched them try to lean down and tie their shoes? Well  I have…and it is the same exact feeling I get whenever I stare into a man’s bathroom…that feeling of,”Oh [...]

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Polishing Off Lunch

On Monday, my fellow intern, the infamous Sushi Girl, painted her nails for lunch. I don’t mean that she put on a fresh coat to gussy up for some special office luncheon. I mean that for her lunch break, between the hours of 1:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m., she gave herself a full blown manicure [...]

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Be Ugly

Consultation Needed! I’d like an answer, once and for all, about whether ‘make up’ or ‘no make up’ is more attractive. As part of my existential crises, I’ve stopped dressing up the way I used to. First, I nixed the heels. Then, I’ve nixed anything remotely tight or uncomfortable (how did I ever willingly wear things that [...]

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I’m Over It

You know what…it’s Friday…and I am over it. I am also over a few other things that have been on my mind…   I’M OVER: Pretending that Crest Whitening strips don’t burn the top of my gums like they were set on fire by a zip lighter. The smell of my kitty’s tuna dinners…if my baby likes shrimp and salmon, [...]

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