SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

An Ok Exchange

In my endless pursuit to find entertainment on the internet, I’ve been reduced to joining the free and popular among the youth dating site OkCupid. About 15 seconds after signing up and entering some rudimentary interests and uploading a single picture, I realized this was a terrible mistake. My screen was immediately being ass-raped by [...]

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Conversations I Fantasize About Having With Non-Family Members

Guy Friend Who Has Lame Girlfriend Me: Hey dude, your girlfriend is really lame. She can’t hang at all. Friend: Do you think I should break up with her? Me: Yes. Immediately. Friend: Okay. Good idea. I’m calling her now. ….Want to make out? Me: Yes. Stupid Silly Bitches Me: Hey guys, do you mind if I put on a [...]

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Defining Your Type

While having girl talk (about boys, naturally) one of my friends recently asked me what my type was. I had been pondering this myself lately, and had decided that my “type” was pretty simple: attractive and interesting, and able to make me laugh. While most girls can get pretty specific about their criteria for a [...]

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I’m Back, Bitches!

Hey everyone, sorry for my gross, disgusting, seemingly neverending leave of absence from the site. I went through a lot of personal changes (dealing with my developing body, hair in new places, puberty, etc.) and felt it would be best that I keep all my crazy shit to myself for a little bit. But now [...]

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Can Men Have A Later Curfew Without Being Kidnapped?

I have this ‘talent’ if you will..maybe more of a “skill’..or even a “dexterity”…(that is all that came up in the synonym check) The point is, I can make people talk. Remember in the horrible movie ‘Conspiracy Theory’ with Mel Gibson when they keep taping his eyelids open and dunking him in the water over [...]

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Summer Love, Part III

Part 1 and 2 here We pull up in front of Sport’s apartment since he’s first on the logical stop on our drop people off program. As I wrote before, my cell battery died in the car, so even if he’s tried to text me, I have no way of retrieving, reading or responding to such [...]

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On Talking to Lying Married People…

I’m a fan of the New York Times’ Modern Love articles in a ‘I always read them three months after the fact and only online when I’m bored’ kind of way. Somehow, today I stumbled across this article, “My View From the Margins,” and wanted to throw in my two cents. In a nutshell, this column’s [...]

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Summer Love, Part II

Part 1 here So we left off in my friend’s SUV. Somehow he scored shotgun, which is actually a huge relief since sitting next to one another in the back seat after our furtive make-out session might have been more than either of us could endure with a straight face for the two-plus hour drive home. If [...]

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Summer Love, Just For the Fun of It

My favorite summer weekends are those which most closely resemble my carefree days at sleep away camp at age twelve. A series of outdoor activities, followed by hot dogs and afternoon outdoor activities, followed by an easily manageable dose of social drama and maybe – an innocent kiss under a canoe with that scruffy summer [...]

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How to be a Wing Woman

Since my days of going out partying to look for love have come to a sharp decline (now love finds me, in the street – also I’m just exhausted) it’s time for me to take on a new role in society. I’m no longer the eligible, hopeful, eager lady with perfect make up and strappy [...]

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