SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

I Found A Hipster In His Natural Habitat

First and foremost, yes, that is a man. A man with skinny jeans. And a V Neck T. And a beard also. Can you see the beard? I caught a hipster hanging out beyond his natural habitat in the wilds of downtown. At first I thought he might spot me trying to take his photo and [...]

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Deep Thoughts by Subway Gal

Today, as I struggled to pull on the jeans that Santa brought me, I wondered how the hell the jeans that fit me like a dream when I tried them on in the store last month could be causing me such trouble now. Could it be the pint of frozen yogurt I inhaled last night? [...]

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The Rules: For Men

The problem with all these relationship books out there is that they are all directed towards women. Most of my guy friends call me all the time with questions about girls. So why is there no book out there for them? I have decided to construct The Rules book for guys on how to get [...]

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Judgy Wudgy Was A Bear

“He is a party-boy.” She said, staring at me from across the couch, running her blonde hair through her fingers. “How do you know that?” I asked. “You just met him last night… he seemed fairly normal at the bar.” Blondie: “Because I facebook’d him. I saw his pictures.” Me: “Why did you have to do that, it [...]

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2010

So I woke up this morning, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, two homeless men were passed out underneath my fire escape…essentially all was right with the world. I started feeling good…really good, I haven’t felt this good in awhile. And I got to thinking a lot about the things I want to ‘accomplish” [...]

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Wednesday’s Deep Thoughts

As we look upon the Olympics to restore our sense of pride and nationalism I look at the waving flags, team unity, proud athletes and smiling faces in the crowd…and all I can think is… Damn, I would have to hit every keg on the block to ever fuck Michael Phelps without him putting some kind [...]

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SLEEP…AND OTHER THINGS THAT ARE OVERRATED…

So as I laid awake last night, thinking about life, money, taxes, death, if those protesters for Barnum and Baileys really do give a damn about the elephants…I also wondered, “why am I laying here awake? Why can my body not realize it is finally time to rest? How come during those 3pm hours at [...]

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My Apologies..And A Picture Story

So I apologize my dear readers for being so distant recently…I have been a horrible blogger, waiting almost a week to repost, not commenting on anyone’s pages..talking shit about all of you to my Mom….I have just been a bad bad blogger and I deserve a serious spanking…from someone whom is very very hot …(I [...]

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Military Boy…Part 2

So I have this fantasy. And not like a sexual fantasy….and not even like my normal fantasy where a bunch of firemen come to a roof deck in Brazil to show me their hoses. Seriously, their hoses, I mean you just can’t even believe how strong the water flow is on those damn things. But I [...]

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Friday’s Deep Thoughts

So I figured on this warm, sunny Friday I would do a special post that is near and dear to my heart…called Things I Hate. I tried to think of a more creative title for that but ‘When Snow White Feeds Animals and is Happy Living with Seven Sober Men’ didn’t fit in the title [...]

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