SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Santa Claus: Jolly, Generous Man or Dirty Drunk in Disguise?

Unless you’ve been living in a turkey-induced coma over the past several days, you’ve surely noticed that Christmas is upon us. The lights are shining, the annoying Christmas music is on the radio and Christmas specials featuring Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang are on the TV schedule. But with Christmas also comes the invasion [...]

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Four Lessons Learned

(Not to be confused with McNugg’s “Lessons Unlearned“). Today I was reading an article in my latest issue of, Watch!, when I came across a title that said something like, “The best lessons I learned,” which got me wondering, what are the best lessons I’ve learned in my “25″ years of life? I counted four. 1. Too [...]

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Stranger Things Have Happened (Part I)

A couple of months ago, I worried that I’d bro-ed away my chances with this guy Jake, a stranger I’d encountered in the East Village while I was scarfing a hot dog. He had called out the lyrics to “My Dick” as I’d passed with my wiener. I had responded to his call, equally competent [...]

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Stunned Trek: Brashly Going Where No One Has Gone Before

In the wee-est of wee hours last Saturday morning, my friends and I were holed up at a table at Blue and Gold, where we’d been celebrating the weekend long before the stroke of midnight. “No, no, no!” Will shook his head vehemently. “You cannot call yourself a ‘Trekkie’ if you never watched the original series.” “Whatever!” [...]

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And That’s Only the Half of It

Sometimes one side of the story is all you need to (over)hear… I. Night Fever A girl standing in line for the dressing room at H&M, passing the time on her cell phone: Yah…Yah, I know…No, totally. I totally know what you mean…Oh my God. I got so drunk last night…Yah, and I started making out with this [...]

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Men Don’t Marry Drunk Sluts. . . or do they?

Earlier this evening, I was having a totally normal conversation with Boyfriend about how quickly I’d be out there at all my old favorite bars slutting it up if we were to break up. To which he replied, “Right because that’s going to get a guy to marry you. Guys don’t marry drunk sluts that [...]

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Alcohol is no friend of mine

This past weekend I went out on Long Island to celebrate a friend’s birthday. We started the evening with some dinner - a fondue appetizer followed by an Asian salad - , a few bites of dessert with coffee, and then off we went to bar No. 1! Looking back, I realize that this was [...]

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Basically Bipolar

It’s blatantly obvious by now that I’m kinda crazy. I mean, I have admitted it myself. Several times.  Anyway, in addition to my general female craziness passion, I think there’s a slight possibility that I might, sort of, perhaps be a bit bipolar. Not like lock-me-up-and-throw-away-the-key bipolar, but like Sonny on “General Hospital” bipolar. For instance, [...]

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If I Were an Advice Columnist Part 4

Yup, it’s that time again when I tell it like it is to those poor, (imaginary) misguided souls who write to me for advice. It’s time for Subway Gal to dispense her worldly advice, as she did in posts past - “If I Were an Advice Columnist” Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. Dear, Subway [...]

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The Headbandit

At the stroke of midnight last Saturday (Sunday morning, specifically), I found myself in the midst of a pretty typical weekend evening: inebriated with my headband on. I’d convinced myself that wearing a headband would further my intoxication, in the same way some idiots in high school (I) used to think that drinking out of [...]

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