SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Hole in the Walls

One of the best/worst things about living in NYC is that as resident of the coolest city in the world, everyone you know wants to visit you all the time. That’s why after living here a few years you realize you’ve gone on that redic Statue of Liberty boat tour half a DOZEN times. But [...]

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St. Tropez Deliciousness, Now a Subway Ride Away

I was whole heartedly terrified last week when the wind increased, temperature dropped, and I found myself shivering in flip flops in the apparent premature onset of winter. Luckily, Mother Nature (who I’m convinced is going through some kind of global warming-induced menopause) evened out. We have a beautiful fall week ahead. Unfortunately, I still [...]

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What You Are Putting In Your Body

Last night I sat in the corner of the book store next to some lady with 100 plastic bags, a twitch and a faint smell of old urine… and I read one of the best new York times bestsellers I have read in a long time. It was deep, thoughtful, ambitious….insightful, engaging, artistic. That is correct, I [...]

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Six Daze of the Week

I’m pleased. The above picture–a stunning portrait of the floor of my room–perfectly captures the disorder and distraction that defined this week. Using the same structure as my previous six-word by six-subject stories, I humbly present my week in review (minus Sunday, the day of rest, which is always spent idly): a series of events that [...]

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Sushi’s Fat Content

Yesterday, my co-intern Sushi Girl arrived at the office in a huff. “Ugghhh. I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend last night and he’s been bee bee emming me like, allll morning.” “I’m sorry,” I told her in a flat voice, pregnant with indifference. It’s hard to care at 8:30 a.m. “Oh my [...]

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Faking It: The Tale of a Tofu Dog (Part II)

Part one of this tale chronicled the beginning of my older sister’s party in our basement–an event made memorable by Tom Reynold’s phony wiener: a tofu dog from our refrigerator. The wiener, obviously fake after the initial double-take, but with an unsettlingly flesh-like hue, scared me off and I retreated to my room with no [...]

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Faking It: The Tale of a Tofu Dog (Part I)

Hot Dog Week continues! When my older sister was a senior in high school, she decided to become a vegetarian because she was perpetually bothered by the idea that she “enjoyed consuming dead things.” As a result, our refrigerator soon became filled with fake dead things: namely Boca Burgers, bacon that looked like cardboard, and tofu [...]

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A Tweenie Tragedy

This is a tale of love and forbidden passion, an account of humiliation and loss, an ode to one of life’s treasures. But mostly, this is a story of a girl and her dog. Her hot dog. Hot dogs might be my favorite food. While I get cravings for particular foods every once in a while, everything [...]

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The Little Things in Life

Have you ever noticed that sometimes it’s those little things in life that can make the biggest difference in an otherwise shitty day? Here are some of the little things in life that make me happy: Having my coffee ready and waiting for me when I get up in line at my favorite coffee cart vendors. [...]

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Don’t Stand So Close to Me

Yesterday, I left work in a hurry, power-walking through the rush-hour crowd. I was late for dinner. At my apartment. By myself. Look, I was very hungry. So hungry, that in a desperate effort to alleviate my suffering, I stuffed two pieces of Winterfresh gum into my mouth. It was a momentary fix. I reached the [...]

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