SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

Stranger Things Have Happened (Part II)

I last left you during my panic attack. After a night of drinking and a trip to Nathan’s, I’d casually asked Jake, my latest romantic interest, back to my apartment. When he agreed to such a course of action, I found myself experiencing a downward spiral of paranoia: I didn’t really know Jake. Did it seem [...]

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Stranger Things Have Happened (Part I)

A couple of months ago, I worried that I’d bro-ed away my chances with this guy Jake, a stranger I’d encountered in the East Village while I was scarfing a hot dog. He had called out the lyrics to “My Dick” as I’d passed with my wiener. I had responded to his call, equally competent [...]

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The Curious Incident of the Hot Dog in the Night-Time

Anyone who survived Stunned’s Super-Official Hot Dog Week knows of my affinity for the frankfurters. At 11:00 p.m. last night, after being forced to eat nothing but gruel for dinner (translation: I only had oatmeal in the apartment, literally), I was seriously hankering for a frank. Such hunger-lust was destroying my hulu.com viewing of Friday [...]

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Faking It: The Tale of a Tofu Dog (Part II)

Part one of this tale chronicled the beginning of my older sister’s party in our basement–an event made memorable by Tom Reynold’s phony wiener: a tofu dog from our refrigerator. The wiener, obviously fake after the initial double-take, but with an unsettlingly flesh-like hue, scared me off and I retreated to my room with no [...]

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Faking It: The Tale of a Tofu Dog (Part I)

Hot Dog Week continues! When my older sister was a senior in high school, she decided to become a vegetarian because she was perpetually bothered by the idea that she “enjoyed consuming dead things.” As a result, our refrigerator soon became filled with fake dead things: namely Boca Burgers, bacon that looked like cardboard, and tofu [...]

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A Tweenie Tragedy

This is a tale of love and forbidden passion, an account of humiliation and loss, an ode to one of life’s treasures. But mostly, this is a story of a girl and her dog. Her hot dog. Hot dogs might be my favorite food. While I get cravings for particular foods every once in a while, everything [...]

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