SelfAbsorbed.ME : ‘It’s Your Life, We Just Write it Funnier’

A Trip to Canal Street

Earlier today, mom and sister drove to my apartment from their home on Long Island and from there we all took the subway into Manhattan, Canal Street specifically. We were on a mission. A mission to buy trendy, fake bags that looked real. And with my sister the master negotiater by my side, I was [...]

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Metrosexuals Invading My Nail Salon

Some time ago, I wrote about metrosexuals – how I’m not attracted to them and why I think their stylish, effeminate selves should flattened by a grunting caveman operating a bulldozer. If the city’s metros could be contained in one big Ralph Lauren hybrid Whole Foods store, that’d be ideal, especially after what happened [...]

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New York Stunnedlist > Manhattan > Dissed Connections

Saw you in Duane Reade - w4m - East Village Yesterday morning, around 9:30, you were standing in front of me in the line. I was admiring your skinny jeans on your hipster frame and wondering if you were wearing a flannel under your coat. I love a man in flannel. I’d come in to dear old [...]

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Don’t Stand So Close to Me

Yesterday, I left work in a hurry, power-walking through the rush-hour crowd. I was late for dinner. At my apartment. By myself. Look, I was very hungry. So hungry, that in a desperate effort to alleviate my suffering, I stuffed two pieces of Winterfresh gum into my mouth. It was a momentary fix. I reached the [...]

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Stoliday Party

Last week, I started the holiday season off right by going to the Stoli Holiday Party at Cain-Luxe, the new Cain. I’d never been to Cain before, new or old. So, when Miss Model Behavior offered me her invite to the event, I beat down the little loser inside of me whining, “but Stylista is [...]

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New York Stunned List > Manhattan > Pissed Connections

SAW YOU ON THE L - w4m - West Side to the East Side (no diggity) We both got on the L at 8th Ave. It was 2:15 a.m., early Friday morning. You were sitting in the back of the subway car, diagonally across from me and my two friends. The car was nearly empty, but [...]

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Your Man Is Like An Overpriced Rental In A Bad Economy

When I first looked at apartments in New York, I remember walking into a studio on 78th street that was roughly the size of most people’s refrigerators. It had no view, half a closet and broken tile. “How much is this per month?” I asked the realtor. “$1700.” I turned around and walked right out. But the most disturbing [...]

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When I (thought I) ruled the world . . . or at least Manhattan

There once was a time when, in my drunken haze, I thought I ruled the world . . . or at least Manhattan. In fact, I remember an actual conversation I once had with my friend as we strolled through Murray Hill on a Friday evening where I told her this. And I believed it. [...]

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Work Holiday Party

Last night was my company’s holiday party. I have mixed feelings about these parties. On one hand, it’s great to be able to actually have an excuse to leave work on time and go eat, drink, dance, and watch your co-workers make drunken, bad decisions all for free. But, on the other hand, I’m exhausted [...]

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New York Stunnedlist > Manhattan > Missed Connections

SAW YOU ON THE ELEVATOR - w4m - Midtown West We both entered a crowded elevator at 8:00 a.m. this morning. I was in the back corner, sandwiched in between a bald guy eating a bagel with chive cream cheese and a woman drinking a large Pax coffee. You were the last one to get on, [...]

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